Monday, December 23, 2013

24 Weeks, 4 days

I went in for my 24 week appointment today. As usual, I got nervous when I didn't hear the heartbeat immediately (Just a doppler today no ultrasound.  Boy, does seeing a specialist certainly set you up for a pattern of disappoint when your insides aren't always on display.), but all is well.  I wonder if there will ever be a point when I start being more optimistic than pessimistic.  I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and fear that once I do get excited about everything that that's exactly when it will drop.

They measured my stomach for the first time and it was 24 cm, which the doctor said was perfectly average.  I also found out how much I've gained since immediately before getting pregnant, and that's on the high end of the average range, but still within the average.  Since I wasn't really hungry in the beginning and had to force myself to eat I guess that's helped slow my weight gain because never in my life have I had a problem gaining weight.  Thank you PCOS.  Now, desserts are too sweet for me, so unless I really force myself to eat them, I'm pretty much staying away from sweets.  Now if only I had that problem with carbs...

We scheduled our next appointment (28 weeks), a childbirth class and hospital tour offered through my doctor's office with the midwives, and our next ultrasound appointment (31 weeks) which the doctor said he'd throw in the 3d ultrasound package for free.  Mr. Desperate has been dying for the 3d ultrasound, so once again, he's getting what he wants.  He doesn't understand how I can want to wait any longer to see this baby's face.  That's when I remember that as much as this past year sucked for him, he didn't take the disappointment each month as hard as I did.  I know in the IF world, a year is not by any means a long time.  But for me, someone who for her entire life has only pictured her adult life as being a stay-at-home mom to a house full of six kids, it was excruciatingly painful.  When I think about the time frame being open-ended with no certainty whatsoever, waiting a few more months doesn't seem like such a big deal to me!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Feeling Relieved... and Panicked

24 weeks.  Yesterday.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I woke up.  Granted, my next doctor's appointment isn't until Monday, I made it to this much anticipated week.  At 24 weeks, many hospitals and doctors believe this week is when the use of intensive medical intervention to attempt to save the life of a baby is possible.  Not that I'm planning on having this baby anytime soon, but knowing that a NICU stay would be possible is a huge cause of relief for me.  I know there are still a thousand things that can happen and go wrong, and I am terrified but relieved at the same time.

This is all helpful, especially over all the crazy/stupid stuff that's happened lately.  After Thanksgiving, the school nurse approached me and wanted to share some medical information with me.  A child in 3rd grade returned to school with Fifth's Disease (sounds worse than it is, who puts the word "disease" in something that isn't terribly, horribly awful???).  Apparently it's not great for a pregnant woman who has never been exposed to it to now be exposed to it.  We played Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon, and pretty much decided that I really don't have any contact with 3rd graders (I teach kindergarten) and that my students don't have any siblings in that grade level.  I really wasn't concerned, but appreciated being told.  My school operates on this weird concept where they don't share medical issues with the staff.  On one hand, I understand, (the nurse never told me the name of the child, btw) but on the other hand... what if there are other teachers that are pregnant that no one knows about?  My two supervisors and co-teacher knew at 12 weeks, but the staff didn't know until 14 weeks, and the school nurse found out at 18 weeks because I happened to be in the restroom talking to someone when she walked in.  Anyways, I wasn't concerned for my own health or the baby's.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding the Saturday after this conversation.  I had my makeup airbrushed and then woke up Monday (which was weird that it wasn't Sunday) with red splotches on my face.  I wasn't sure what was going on but decided to go bare-faced to work, where my face got progressively redder and redder.  I stopped by the nurse to see if she could give me Benadryl and she said she wouldn't do it without a fax from my doctor.  Luckily, Doctor Dad loves me and I text messaged him telling him I had some weird rash and could I use topical Benadryl (I was going to run to CVS to avoid the unnecessary faxing).  He proceeded to tell me that there was this viral thing that kids get and asked for pictures, which I sent.  He decided it was probably just an allergy, but when I mentioned a kid at school had the virus he was talking about he insisted I come in so he could see it in person and get blood work done to see if I was immune to it (it's like Chicken Pox--once you've been exposed you can't get it again).  I was pretty sure I had it as a kid, but my mom only remembered my friend down the street having it (seriously, mom?!?!).

Anyways, once he saw me he decided Benadryl was the best choice.  Blood work came back earlier this week saying that I had already been exposed and had the virus as a child so I was fine.  Good thing, because a few days before the results were in, Fifth's Disease popped up on my daily pregnancy app as the info of the day.  So, that brings us to today.  When a child walked into my room this morning with rosy red cheeks.  I calmly suggested that the mom take her to the nurse, who suggested she go to a pediatrician to see if she had Fifth's Disease.  Of course, the rash is the sign that the contagion period is over.  So basically, this child was at school when she was contagious.  At least she knows now that when she is pregnant some day she won't have to deal with this!!  The mom came back to school this afternoon in a panic because the doctor told her it was really only dangerous for pregnant women and she was feeling horrible for having her child around me.  I tried to reassure her that I was immune and told her this whole story but she didn't seem to buy it.  It was actually very sweet.  And she really felt that the school should inform every parent and teacher that someone has it. 

If I hadn't been in the wedding and had that weird reaction I would have been FREAKING OUT today.  Like, gone to the director to explain how crazy the health policy is and then rushed to the doctor.  I'm still going to discuss the health policy, but now I can do it in a much more thought out, calm manner.

So, here I am, 24 weeks and immune to Fifth's Disease.  Relieved.  So I decided to pick up Baby Bargains (suggested by my sister-in-law), which is like a Consumer Reports with parent input and feedback.  They tell you what is recommended to buy, what's a waste of money, etc.  And now I am swimming in information.  Goodness gracious.  Mr. Desperate and I are both so indecisive, and this book is now making it more difficult, as anything we think about getting I will now have to check here and on Consumer Reports.  Why did I think we'd be able to pick furniture, create a registry, and finalize the bedding order by the first week of January??  Now I'm trying to find out if the company of bedding I love makes their sheets with elastic all the way around and debating whether I should or shouldn't get a crib bumper.  Both safety/SIDS issues.  Maybe I should just go look at cute, tiny baby clothes... expect there was a whole section on flame-retardant sleepwear and cotton vs. polyester.

Side note.... I am finally visibly pregnant.  21/22 weeks my clothes were tight and uncomfortable and I finally felt that I could pull off maternity pants (i.e. keep them up without looking like I was wearing clothes that were too big).  23/24 weeks it becomes more visible as the day goes on (ahem, after I eat), but when I get dressed in the morning there is definitely a bump.

However, there are no stretchmarks to be found.

Friday, November 29, 2013


It's good to be home! Every year for Thanksgiving my husband and I spend time with my family. And I mean my WHOLE fmaily. My grandmother's family has gotten together for what is now 40 years. I think there were almost 70 people at dinner last night and more family members come today. It is literally a 4 day feast.  And don't worry, we have Thanksgiving dinner at a hotel because who in their right mind would cook for 70 people!!!

So we flew in yesterday afternoon and my grandmother was sleeping (of course).  I saw my grandfather for about 5 minutes before he headed back to their room but I think he referenced my stomach.  Which, at 21 weeks on Thanksgiving day, has finally started to make an appearance.  Mostly after I eat but I definitely think there's a little visibility pre-food.  I really just think I look kinda fat.  Which is ironic because for the past month or so people have been telling me how great I look.  I have pretty much been overweight my whole life (my family would roll their eyes at this but I seriously can look at food and gain 5 pounds.  I have to work so hard to lose and keep off weight that it becomes an obsession.  And even when I do lose weight I never look as small as I think I'm going to so I get disappointed.... Thus ending the obsession.) and just know that I am going to be one of those pregnant that is huge all over.  No cute bump by itself.  No one saying, "you can't even tell you're pregnant from behind.". I guess I should enjoy the compliments while I can!  I am not trying not to gain weight by the way, in case that's what it sounds like.  I started gaining weight this summer with all the meds and the fact that I was so unhappy.  I'm not sure what I weighed immediately before I got pregnant but I've definitely gained at least 10 which I just read is the low end on the average for this point.

Anyway my grandmother still hasn't said anything.  Her memory isn't great and I know it shouldn't bother me because it's not like she's being rude but it still sucks.  My grandfather finally mentioned something about where people are going to sleep once I have the baby so I'm positive he remembers. My grandma didn't even comment on it so it wasn't like hearing that was a shock which was good.  My husband suggested I just tell her again and said that it would be fun to see her reaction.  Wrong.  And way to piss off the hungry pregnant lady.  If one of his grandparents (he has 4 living grandparents still-it's amazing) was losing their memory he would be devastated.  He would never think it would be FUN to retell them your most exciting news ever.  It's hard and it gets harder every time I see her or talk to her.

The family traditions start before dinner where one of the hosts gives a little speech and announces all the other hosts' names.  Then they rehash the food plans for the weekend (which have been exactly the same for years) and ask if there are any newcomers that need to be introduced.  One of my cousins brought his girlfriend and as he's introducing her to a room full of people (so intimidating btw) my dad asks if he can announce the baby news.  It was funny to see how surprised people were (again with the "you look so good" comments) excluding my aunts, uncles, and first cousins who knew already.  My more distant cousins were like, "How did I miss this on Facebook???", because we have not posted anything, and probably won't for a while still.  I'm 3 more weeks from the point where I know I will feel safer, as most hospitals won't enter an infant in the NICU until 24 weeks.

I had a dream the other night that I was at my doctor and there was no heartbeat.  I woke up at 4:17 am and just chalked it up to my usual crazy, vivid dreams.  I didn't even tell Mr. Desperate when he woke up.  But I couldn't shake the feeling all day.  I finally texted my doctor (this is where it really pays to know your dr well) and he assured me that everything was fine but suggested I come in to hear the heartbeat to ease my mind.  I felt crazy but of course I went anyways.  Midwife Mom told me that I could come in anytime and I told her she was opening a can of worms.  So as she finds the heartbeat on the monitor I finally cry at one of my appointments.  It was such a huge relief and even though I had been there 5 days before it was such a different feeling.  So for this once in a lifetime Thanksgivukah (Thanksgiving and Chanukah) I am thankful that everything is okay with the baby.  She even had the hiccups, which of course I couldn't feel.  But it was crazy to hear!  Probably more crazy because I couldn't feel it.  Hopefully I will feel her moving soon!!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Worst Blog Ever

So it's been two months since I've posted and probably one month since I've been reading the blogs that I follow.  The sad part... I've been doing nothing.  I'm not busier at school than normal--I actually feel really organized and on top of things this year, which I rarely ever am.  Although this summer, I wasn't working and going to doctor's appointments and stalking blogs was my only real form of entertainment.

My personal life hasn't been that overwhelming, although I do have a friend getting married that has been having showers and bachelorette parties.  We've had a lot of family birthdays, too.  But really, I just come home from work and sleep.  I don't even think I did laundry for month.  Which only became a problem when my shirts started to get a little snug and my looser options were all dirty.  And then I realized I have WAY too many clothes.  Hopefully hoarding material possessions is a trait that I will not pass on to my baby GIRL!!

Even after we got the blood work back saying it's a girl, I was still so sure it was a boy.  But, I went to a specialist for a full anatomy scan (which apparently is routine for every pregnancy, but enough to freak me out when they first told me I was going to get a referral) we could clearly see that it is a girl.  Not that it matters; I just hate to be wrong!!!

So, this little lady seems to be doing great.  I am now 19 weeks and 2 days.  My pants are just starting to get tight, although my boobs have already grown a full cup size--WTF!  Mr. Desperate couldn't be happier about that.  Too bad I have zero desire for anything that he has 100% desire for... poor guy! :(  He went from being forced to have sex to not having sex at all.  I'm sure he loves me more than ever--NOT!  Other than being tired (and lazy), I don't want to eat chicken, and fish doesn't sit well, but I feel completely normal.  If it weren't for the lack of a period (although my super long cycles felt like they were this long at some points) and the numerous ultrasounds I've had, I honestly still wouldn't believe it.

Mr. Desperate wants to start talking names.  And mentioned that he really likes the name Beverly.  No offense to anyone named Beverly, but that's just not going to be this baby's name.  I'm just not ready to start talking to names, especially because I still refer to the baby as "it".  Since I haven't felt it move and I don't really look different, it just doesn't seem real.  I just read that at 24 weeks the chance of a baby's survival out of the room become a realistic statistic so I think that after that point I will maybe be able to start thinking of names.

We did however, pick out bedding.  We're going to do pink and gray and I mixed and matched fabrics from New Arrivals when I was in Atlanta for my niece's 2nd birthday this past weekend.  Just in case this is our only baby, I decided that custom bedding was one major exception that I could make.  I go to the doctor again this Wednesday and am prepared for them to say, "Do you have any questions?" before I head out.  The funny thing is, I have zero questions.  This summer every time I went to the RE I think I had a zillion questions and now, nothing.  I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy, but after feeling like you've lived at a doctor's office where you're assaulted with an ultrasound wand all the freaking time, their appointments are just pretty boring in comparison!!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Word Vomit

I started this blog to help myself sort through my feelings about being a part of the undesirable IF world, and quickly found that I was more honest in the blog world than I had really been to myself.  Sadly, I have been staying away from the blog world lately.  When I first started reading and following blogs, I honestly didn't feel like I belonged.  Several blogs I read were people sharing their stories of the struggles for years.  What right did I have to whine (yes, I WAS whining) when I started seeing an RE after 9 months.  Although this summer was the hardest time in my life, reading other blogs made me feel like no matter how much I was struggling, almost everyone else had been struggling longer, or with a lot harder situations.  So, when I got a BFP it was surreal.  I could think of so many other people that deserved this BFP.  I didn't feel pregnant, and worried that my lack of feeling were a sign of something negative looming nearby.  The first ultrasound at 6 weeks showed a slightly low heartbeat, but then the second showed it right on target, and the third showed that it was high/strong. 

Again, I find myself feeling like I don't belong.  I'm back to where I started, reading blogs, and wanting to comment, but then for some reason not.  Every week or two, I do comment, as I feel like your comments and posts helped me all summer long and I don't know how I would mentally be here today if it wasn't for the blogs I read, and especially those who have commented on my blog.  I know that we're all strangers, yet I don't feel that way.  I cried when I read heartbreaking posts this summer and laughed out loud at others while my dog started at me like I was a lunatic.

I remember after my first failed cycle with Clomid, I was in the REs office, waiting for my CD3 check for round 2 of Clomid.  Clear as day, I heard someone in the next room listening to their baby's heartbeat.  I was livid.  Obviously I knew my doctor had a high success rate, but hearing a heartbeat right after learning I would have to start another medicated cycle was not something I was prepared for.  I texted my sister and referred to the mystery patient by some not-so-nice words and she said, "Just think.... she could have been going there for years."  So, when I am MIA, I am not abandoning the IF world, but I am worried that my new status makes others uncomfortable and want to be respectful.

Here comes baby news, so if you stop reading now, I totally understand.

On September 4th, Mr. Desperate and I flew to TX to spend time with my family for the Jewish New Year.  I teach at a Jewish Day School so I had several days off.  While we see my family frequently (but never enough), we have not had an alone-visit (no siblings) in 4 years.  When we were running around wedding planning.  The only other time we have spent time with just my parents in TX was when Mr. Desperate first met them.  In 2007.  We flew in, had dinner and went to services.  That night we sat around in our Family Room talking until we were exhausted.  The next morning, we went to services, came home for lunch, and then started our usual afternoon playing games.  We had this whole plan to share the news by laying out the due date with Rummikub Tiles, but of course my parents wanted to play Mexican Train Dominoes.   After a few confusing rounds, Mr. Desperate convinced them to switch to play one game of Rummikub.  He kept drawing tiles and at one point my mom even said to him, "Come on, put down something interesting."  Then, my dad won.  We knew this was our only game and so I turned to my hubby and said, "You didn't play anything at all.  How about you at least put something down.... I'll loan you this tile (as I handed him the tile he was missing)."  So, he set out the date and my parents looked totally confused.  My dad even said, "What is that?"  I told him the joker was a 0, and they still just looked at it, puzzled.  So I said, "Why don't you read it like this, April 10th, 2014."  FINALLY!  They got it!  I also made them a calendar using cute scrapbook paper from a blank wooden set I ordered on Etsy (where I ordered everything for our announcement ideas).  This way they can count down the weeks/days since they are so far away. Although, my mom said I'd have to remind them every week to change it!  My mom knows about our struggles and has shared some of the less graphic details with my dad, so they were both extremely happy (and relieved) to hear the news.

When we got back in town, we were supposed to do dinner with my in-laws and were going to tell them in a cute way.  But, my father-in-law wasn't feeling well and only wanted soup so we picked up something and my mother-in-law just dropped us off at home.  Our cute plan went out the window and Mr. Desperate just called them and said we completely forgot that we brought them something from TX and could we swing by on our way to pick up our dog at a friend's house.  So, we walked in and said something along the lines of , "We brought this back to share."  They were really excited although my mother-in-law said twice, "I hope it was easy for you."  She knows nothing about our IF and she's lucky I didn't punch her.  We both ignored her, but don't worry, that didn't stop her from saying it again to my mom when she called her that night.  Ughhh!  Who wants to know that info, anyways?!?!?!

Next on the list to tell was my sister, who also knows what's been going on.  She lives in GA, so I sent her this.  She said the second she it, she KNEW.  (Since she predicted it, I guess that makes sense!)  She and my brother-in-law were so excited and I didn't even feel bad hanging up with my mom on her birthday to talk to my sister.  I think my mom was just thrilled to talk to someone about it other then me!

We had to wait until the weekend to tell my sister-in-law due to her and her husband's work schedules and their kids' sleep schedules.  We went over Saturday afternoon and I put the "Little Cousin" shirt (in purple) on my 11-month-old niece.  Of course, my 3-year-old niece didn't want to put on the "Big Cousin" shirt (in hot pink), but I came prepared with a Hershey Kiss to convince her to wear it.  She walked into the kitchen and said, "Look, Mommy," (directed at the Hershey Kiss she was holding, of course) and then I walked in carrying the 11-month-old and holding the "Baby Cousin" onesie (in yellow).  Mr. Desperate's sister was completely surprised, because I shared with her about the thyroid biopsy I need, and happily pulled out her stored bins of maternity clothes.  I don't know if she was more excited to get rid of clothes she doesn't need, or to share them with me and her soon to be niece/nephew.  We somehow made it through the afternoon without saying the word "baby" or "cousin" which I am SURE that the 3-year-old would repeat to everyone in our family... which we were getting together with that night!  Phew!

Tomorrow my brother and his fiance will receive their package.  I'm a little worried that the unexpected news (although she asked my sister recently if she thought I would have a baby by their wedding and he asked my mom the same thing a few months ago) will be a bump in the road during their wedding planning, so I am hoping that when she sees that "Aunt Stefanie" part, she will be excited and not upset!!

Mr. Desperate's birthday happens to be at 12 weeks, so we will have his extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) and a few of our close friends over for dinner for his birthday.  That may sound like a small gathering, but I think it's around 30 people!  My doctor does this new blood test called a Panorama test where they check for all the genetic diseases and possible syndromes at 10 weeks.  They can also tell the baby's gender through the blood work.  I know this is new and that not every doctor does it because two of my friends that are pregnant are both waiting to see the gender on ultrasounds.  The results take about two weeks but my Doctor Dad and Midwife Mom asked the nurse to have the company rush my results so I don't have to wait that long to hear all the results.  Special treatment at this point is making up for the past year+ of hell and frustration.  I really don't want to find out but Mr. Desperate wants to know everything.  I compromised, because I know he will be compromising (being forced to let me decorate however I want to) on what the baby's room looks like! :)  I told Mr. Desperate that I would have "Happy Birthday Daddy" written on the cake, but I secretly found another cute onesie that he will LOVE.  I'm going to order it for him and when he opens it everyone will be surprised--including him!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Back to School Blues

OMG I cannot believe I have not read blogs in a week and haven't posted in almost 2 weeks!  School started here on August 19th and I have been EXHAUSTED and missing summer.  It was so nice being able to leisurely do my two errands, clean the house, and make dinner.  WAS.  SIGH.  I can't remember the last time I made dinner.  Although that is partly due to my not wanting to smell food, which appeared in the middle of last week.  Tomorrow marks 8 weeks, which I'm sure makes some of reading this want to punch me in the face.  It's okay, I've had that feeling too.  My last post consisted of me ranting about how NOT slap-happy I am.  I am still not feeling that way, but please don't think that means I do not want to be pregnant.  I really never thought I was going to get to this point (dramatic, I know) and it's still pretty surreal.  I'm also scared that if something were to happen I may not be able to recover.  Or get to this point again.  So many thoughts and fears--which is why it's somewhat reassuring to know that I have not connected with this raspberry-sized life inside of me.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for this Friday, which will hopefully end with my RE dismissing me from her office.  My next appointment with Midwife Mom is 2 weeks from today, and I get do this Panorama blood test that basically checks for all potential genetic issues and can determine the gender.  The results take 10 days, so we scheduled the test at 10 weeks, which is the earliest they can do it, so that we have the results back by Mr. Desperate's birthday, which is when we plan to tell family (besides parents and siblings that we will tell a little before... I think.  Still debating on that actually.)

Mr. Desperate and I did finally book flights home (my home, his home is here) so we could tell my parents in person.  I am having a hard time remembering my mom doesn't know and have to think carefully when I'm talking to her.  I wasn't feeling so great on Saturday when we were talking and she asked if everything was okay.  I had to stop myself and just said that my voice was tired from talking all week at school (also very true).

My sister's almost 2-year-old had some stomach thing Sunday/Monday but was generally feeling okay.  My sister sent a picture to my parents of the baby holding a thermometer with a huge smile on her face and my dad's response was, "Is that a pregnancy test?"  My response was, "If she is pregnant, then I need to know her secret!" (Yes, I know completely inappropriate and disgusting.)  My sister's response, luckily, while I was sleeping, "She's smiling because she knows your secret--that you're really pregnant!"  Good thing I was asleep when she sent it because it was easier to get out of the conversation the next morning.  I'm also having a hard time remembering that my sister doesn't know.

What happens when everyone knows?  Are they going to call me every day and ask me how I'm feeling?  Touch my stomach constantly?  I don't really like attention, nor do I love people touching me.  And while I love babies, I have never been one to be overly excited about anyone's pregnancy.  In fact, I specifically remember my mother-in-law saying something to my husband about my lack of excitement when his sister was pregnant.  I like babies people.  Once they're out.  Not while they are cooking inside of you.  I know, I know.... cry me a river. 

Speaking of Cry Me a River, remember about 3 weeks ago when I posted that my father-in-law got tickets to Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z's last concert of their tour?  And there was a potential back stage/meet JT?  Well we met him!!  Before the concert there was a tasting of his tequila--901--with about 20 people.  No joke.  We were hanging out waiting for him to appear, when all of a sudden he was standing in the doorway.  I had that dumb moment, where I looked over and thought, "That guy looks familiar."  Idiot.  So he walks in the room and the first person he says hi to and shook hands with is none other than Mr. Desperate himself!  He went around the room shaking everyone's hand (I was person #3--very important!) and then had a drink while telling stories about the behind the scenes of tequila making.  Not the coolest thing we've ever done, but pretty damn awesome.  Mr. Desperate wanted to know why he wasn't dressed better.... see for yourself!!

*P.S.-If you happen to know me in real life, please don't out my condition or private thoughts.  Also, I wonder how Justin would feeling knowing that I posted a picture of us (I cropped out Mr. Desperate and his father) on my blog!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

What is wrong with me???

Today marks 6 weeks and my first OB Ultrasound.  I had a dream last night (strange and vivid dreams run in my family) that I was being chased and ended up jumping out of a window of a tall building to get away.  Then, I started bleeding.  When I woke up I went to the bathroom just to make sure that I wasn't actually bleeding.  Because here's the thing... I do not feel pregnant.  I do not feel different.  I am not nauseous, or exhausted, and my boobs haven't grown a cup size (like some app I downloaded said could happen).  I guess maybe they are a little fuller, but nothing extreme.  Nothing unlike around the time when I ovulate or get my period.  And I am typically an emotional person.  I watch a sappy movie or TV show and cry at the tiniest emotional moment.  I have had to hold back a few tears here and there over the past week, but nothing like my norm, and certainly nothing over the top.

So I went to the appointment today without my "everything is sunshine and rainbows" attitude because I just don't feel pregnant.  I always thought that I would just immediately KNOW.  That I would wake up the day after implantation (although in my mind, it was really the day after baby-making) and have to run to the bathroom.  If anything, I have a lack of appetite and am forcing myself to eat throughout the day.

So I'm in the room with the nurse and my husband and she's showing us the fetal pole and the yolk sack and taking measurements and pictures and it just doesn't seem real.  Why are people on TV always crying and I'm not???  So then she says, let's see if we can record the heart beat, and I think to myself, "Okay, NOW it's going to hit me."  Nope.  Don't get me wrong, it was amazing that something that doesn't even look like a baby yet has a heartbeat (flashback to anti-abortion billboards that say, "Your baby's heart beats for the first time at xx days"), but it just doesn't feel real.

Am I so jaded from all the months of TTC on our own with only BFNs that I can't revel in what should be complete and utter joy?  Am I detached from the months spent having Clomid mood swings and failed IUIs?  Or am I now past all the getting pregnant issues and worried about carrying this baby to term (my sister lost one of her identical twins at 29 weeks and then had an emergency c-section at 30 weeks)?

The baby's heartbeat was a little low today (107).  They like it to be over 110, but over 100 is considered okay.  Heart rates at this point in the 80s and 90s tend to be early predictors of neurological disorders.  It's not that low, so Midwife Mom says I shouldn't be concerned.  She wanted me to come back next week to check again, but I told her I go to the RE Monday for the first ultrasound there and asked if I could just let her know the heart rate then, which she said was fine.  Depending on what the RE sees, I may go for another ultrasound there before being dismissed to see my regular OB/GYN. 

BUSTED!  I cheated on my RE with my OB/GYN!!!  In my defense, my RE is out of town and Doctor Dad said they would fit me in today.

I'm still looking for flights to drop so we can go home and tell my parents in person in 3 weeks.  I hope that by then I will be excited. 

Seriously, what is wrong with me????? 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Doctor Dad Makes an Appearance

Well, at least his name made an appearance on my phone.  He finally got back to me!  I texted him Monday and even though he said he'd call me later, he never did!  I didn't want to be THAT girl and harass him with follow-up texts and luckily my 3 day wait paid off.  He called and I got to share the good news with him.  Since he was the one that did the HSG test, I'm going to go ahead and give him lots of credit for opening up the path that led to my BFP.  He gave me the run down on beginning pregnancy stuff (what not to eat, what to expect in the up coming weeks and why) and asked where I stand with appointments at the fertility doctor's office. 

I told him that I have my first OB ultrasound scheduled for August 19th, the first day of school.  He then looked at my timeline and since today marks 5 weeks from my last period, he says I can have an ultrasound next Thursday/Friday and not have to wait another weekend.  I explained that with the doctor's schedule and my needing a late afternoon appointment since we have teacher meetings all next week, that it had to be that Monday.  Well, of course, he said that they can get me in their office Thursday or Friday.  He will be out of town, but Midwife Mom will be there.  Within an hour (before my husband could even respond to my text about what afternoon worked better for him) the nurse from the office called to schedule my appointment.  Boy, do I feel like I'm a celebrity.  I don't even have to call in to schedule my own appointments--they call me!! So a week from today I will get the first pictures and hopefully see a strong heartbeat.

I'm dying to fly home to tell me parents, but flights have been so expensive that I've been putting it off and waiting for them to drop.  I have 2.5 days off of work right around week 9, and when you add the weekend to that it really is a nice long trip.  Both of my siblings live elsewhere, so we are mostly together for family events like weddings, birthdays, and/or vacations and I really haven't had any alone time with my parents since I got married 3 years ago.  I'm not looking forward to the expensive trip, but my husband is completely understanding and says it's totally worth it.  Plus, we get to tell his parents when we get back so I think he's really excited for that.  I've planned out ways to tell all the major people in our life except for his parents, so I've got to get to thinking on that.  I had an idea, but I could tell that Mr. Desperate wasn't so crazy about it.  He came up with a way, so maybe I will let him tell him.  They are his parents, after all!  All my ways involve gifts/physically presented objects, so I don't' want them to feel left out when he literally just tells them (even though it would be in a cute way). 

The coolest thing that I learned today was that they can now do blood work at 10 weeks (when they test for Down Syndrome among other things) to find out the gender.  I don't want to find out, but my husband does.  Since he had to deal with all my Clomid mood swings and my crazy obsessive pee sticks everywhere, I think I will let him have this one.  My current guess is that it's a boy.

And speaking of celebrities... my father-in-law called this afternoon and asked if I like Justin Timberlake.  So random.  And YES, OF COURSE!  Someone gave him 2 tickets to the Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z Concert next week.  I'm so excited!!  He also said that if we get there early we can meet them.  I'm not sure why he thinks that, because the picture of the tickets he sent me just appear to be normal tickets, but that would be awesome!!  My sister, who lives in Atlanta, is waiting for my husband to say he doesn't want to go.  She is all ready to buy a ticket and go with me!  Don't worry... he said she could buy a ticket and we'd sneak her in to meet them with us.  :)

Monday, August 5, 2013

Still on the Right Track

Today marks 4 weeks and 4 days and beta #3.  The technician that took my blood said congratulations and it seemed so foreign to me.  I wonder when this will all actually sink in....

Today's beta results.... 683.  Still increasing and although I was hoping it would be something like 4,000 today (just to be SURE it's really true) I can handle the 683.  :)

Doctor Dad emailed me over a week ago and when I responded, I never heard back from him.  Hmmm... Maybe it was the zillion questions I asked him?  Maybe he's out of town?  In this day and age, waiting a week, make that 10 days for an email response is eternity.  So, since I have his cell phone number so I decided to text him earlier this evening.  He's out of town for work and said he'd call later.  I've been postponing taking a shower waiting for him to call, but I think I'm officially about to give up!

In all the craziness last week, I forgot to share that one of my other friends is pregnant.  I had my suspicions about a month ago.  She does know what's going on, so I think she tried to be as delicate with me as possible.  I'm extremely happy for her, but I also think she's a little nuts because she has a 14 month old!  Little did she know that I had gotten my own very good news just hours before she shared hers.  I can't wait until the day that I can call and say, "Remember when you called to tell me you were pregnant?  Yeah, well I was about 12 seconds pregnant!"  She's due 2 weeks after my other friend, which I am sure they are both really excited about.

I go for my first OB Ultrasound in two weeks, which also happens to be the first day of school.  Good thing the doctor's office is close to my school and that I was able to pressure them into giving me a 4 PM appointment.  I hope I don't fall asleep in the waiting room, since I know I will be completely exhausted!  Just thinking about the first day of school makes me want to take a nap! 

In the meantime I will be taking my time setting up my classroom, digging up my summer reading that I completely forgot about, and continuing to take all my medication.  Apparently you can't stop taking anything until the first ultrasound, and maybe not even for the first trimester.  I'd really love to cut out some of my pill popping action!  Of course, Mr. Desperate has already long forgotten all his vitamins.  Must be nice.... :)

Thursday, August 1, 2013

So far, so good

I went in this morning for my second beta and my results are now 134.  This is almost quadruple my number two days ago (35) so I am hoping that means this is really real.  Besides the fact that the nurse told me it was supposed to double, I know nothing about what beta numbers mean.  I go again for beta #3 on Saturday.

Since I spent Tuesday shopping, when Mr. Desperate came home from work, he saw a gift bag on the table.  He looked at it, at the stack of cards next to it (anniversary cards from family), and then back at me.  I was working on dinner, so I sort of had my back to him.  I told him since I had done so much damage shopping that I bought him a little present to make it less painful.  He asked if it was an anniversary present, and I said something like, "I guess if you want to think of it that way, you can.  But you don't have to wait to open it," which is SO not like me.  I refuse to open cards or presents until the actual special day.

So, he reached in the bag and pulled out this heart shaped piece of paper and says, "What's this?" before he even reads it.  Then, he immediately followed that question with, "Are you serious?" and put his hand into the bag and pulled out what was inside:

Of course, then he wanted to know how I was so sure and I had to confess that I neglected to tell him that I took the digital ept test that morning and when it said positive, I called the doctor and moved my appointment up.  I told him I thought about surprising him at work with the gift, or bringing it to him at his 5:30 meeting, but he agreed that he wouldn't have been able to finish his day if I had told him any of it.  Good thing he wasn't mad about me lying!!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I might be crazy, BUT...

I'm also PREGNANT!!!

After all the Wondfo tests, I couldn't wait and decided to take the one digital ept that I have left this morning.  The most beautiful word I have ever seen appeared on the test.  Pregnant.

My first beta is was scheduled for Thursday.  But I couldn't wait that long.  If I'm getting a BFP on an at-home test, then the blood work would show the same, right?!??!  After waiting for an eternity for the answering service to be turned off  and a real person to answer the phone (30 minutes), I asked if I could come in today since I was getting positive pregnancy tests on two different brands at home.  The words sounded alien to me, even as they were coming out of my mouth.

Luckily, they were willing to let me come in today.  While I was waiting for the tech to draw my blood I was telling her about the tests and she said, "Oh, you're definitely pregnant."  I left not knowing how I was going to go about my day as planned when I had one and only one thing on my mind.

When I got in the car, the first song playing on the radio was "I'll Be There" by The Jackson 5.  I took that as a sign.

After 6.5 long hours of staring at my phone while doing back-to school clothes shopping, I realized I didn't have service.  I ran out of the store, and immediately my phone rang.

Nothing like standing in the middle of a mall while waiting to hear the words that you've been dying to hear.

"Congratulations!  You're pregnant!"

These were my levels today:
        Progesterone-92 (they look for over 10)
        Estrogen-708 (they look for over 200)
        Beta Blood Work-35 (they look for over 5)

I go back in two days to repeat blood work.

I can't wait to tell my husband.  I bought him something in January, because I was so sure that it would be "any month now".  Even though he's seen all the sticks, he doesn't know I went to the doctor today.  He called me just to check in earlier, which he never does, but since I was with my friend shopping he didn't ask me anything specific.  I'm not a good liar, so that really helped me out!!

Monday, July 29, 2013

I think I've lost my mind

I can't stop crying.

Around 11 am, I did a Wondfo pregnancy test, saw no line and went on with my day.  I'm not really expecting a line and I'm not really sure why I'm still taking the tests.  I guess part of me wants to think that the cramping I'm experiencing isn't my soon-to-arrive period, but my future baby saying hello.  About an hour ago I went to go to the bathroom again and I SWEAR I saw a light pink second line on that first test.  I know you're supposed to read the tests within 5 minutes, so maybe that line doesn't count.  Although when I was testing out the HCG from the Ovidrel injection, those tests all look the same now as they did when I initially took them.

So maybe the line is not even there.  Maybe I'm seeing things.  Just to be sure, I did what any normal person does and take another test.  And STARE it down.  I still see a possibly phantom light pink line on this test.  I can't stop crying.  I can't stop shaking.  I went from having no hope to literally being so hopeful at the possibility that there is actually a second pink line.

I called my husband at work.  Crying.  I told him that I don't mean to get his hopes up because I could just be going crazy but that I think I see a second pink line and that I had to tell somebody.

It's only cycle day 26, so is this too early to actually see something on the Wondfo tests?  Am I just going crazy because I want this so bad?

I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to do beta blood work Thursday (our anniversary) because I didn't want confirmed bad news to ruin our day.  Now I'm torn because I really think it could be good news.  So going and getting bad news would be that much worse.

I'm officially crazy.  Officially.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

The Pact

After I got engaged one of my best friend's said to me, "Please don't get pregnant before I get married."  We live in different states and she said that the only way our kids would get to be friends is if they went to college together.  Clearly kids were not on my mind then and I happily agreed.  There might have been drinking involved.  Heavy drinking.

She got married May 2012, which conveniently happened to be right before we starting TTC.

This past March her husband arranged a surprise weekend trip for her 30th birthday in Chicago.  She and one of our other best friends stayed up night after night, drinking and talking and drinking some more.  It was after that trip that I had my first visit to the RE.

She just called me.  Twice.  I was hoping she was calling to say she was in town... sometimes they have last minute family trips to her husband's parents' condo in Ft. Lauderdale.  She's pregnant.  It wasn't planned (ahhh to be so lucky), but of course they are so excited.  Now that I'm typing it, I'm starting to get emotional, but as I was talking to her, I was 100% completely happy for her.  She did however make a comment that now I need to get working on babies but immediately retracted it.  She obviously doesn't know about our past year.

I started getting cramps yesterday, which is consistent with the past failed cycles.  I'm about 90% sure that I'm going to skip the beta blood work on Thursday.  I think I'd rather just wait the 3 or 4 days for my period than sit around all day hoping for even the smallest, tiniest glimmer of a chance that it will be good news.  It won't be.

I think what I'm most annoyed about is that since I was told to skip next month (Doctor Dad emailed me yesterday afternoon to see how I was feeling and I asked if that was really necessary) that I'm now looking at having a summer baby.  Clearly, that is THE MOST rational thing to focus on right now.  Not the fact that I'm frustrated, tried of taking medication, tired of being molested every week at the doctor, or the fact that I am more terrified day after day that I am never going to get pregnant.  As a teacher, that's just not the ideal situation.  Nothing against all you summer babies out there, but being the youngest in the class is not ideal (honestly... neither is being the oldest in the class!).  Plus, since I get 10 weeks off, schools don't always understand your want/need to take off time from your job.  I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but since I've learned how expensive it is to live in Miami (or anywhere, really), I don't know if that would be the best financial choice.  Although at this point, if I do actually ever have a baby, I'm not sure I would ever be able to leave him or her at home or at a day care.  Or anywhere.  I'm already overprotective and a baby hog.  And I don't even have my own baby to hog.

Monday, July 22, 2013


It's one thing to be disappointed that things aren't going the way you hoped they would go, but it's completely different to be disappointed in your husband.  And sadly, that is how I feel. 

Last week, Mr. Desperate had a work dinner and apparently at his new job they like to go to strip clubs after big dinners.  Too bad his going to a strip club is not the reason I'm disappointed.  His two "rules" for his night out were not to do anything at the strip club that he could be blackmailed with and not to drink too much.  I do, however, think it's so weird that he would go to a strip club with the CEO of the company.  But whatever... they didn't even end up going to a strip club.

By the way, that morning I went to my IUI #2 appointment all by myself.  After being told that back to back IUIs are not that much more successful, we decided to save the $400 and only do 1 IUI this month.  Since I basically just sit around all day and think wish about being pregnant, we were hoping that the 1 IUI, acupuncture, trying the "old fashioned" method at home, and all of my hoping and wishing myself pregnant would do the trick this month.

I waited up for him to come home, and tried not to text him like a lunatic all night long.  He finally came home around 2 am.  WASTED.  I actually could not believe he drove home, but since we HAD to have sex, I had to put aside all my feelings.  And that's where the disappointment comes in.  Apparently he drank so much that he wasn't able to fulfill his end of the deal.  I ended up crying and saying a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have said, but things that I also didn't really know that I felt.  I slept on the couch.  Our 3rd anniversary is in 10 days and I have never slept on the couch.  I also have my beta blood work scheduled for our anniversary.  Dumb idea.

I was taking Mr. Desperate's parents to the airport the next morning, so I woke up early, but again, he wasn't able to function.  When he came home from work he was really apologetic, but still could not function.  And that I was disappointed in him.  Disappointed that he stayed out late.  Disappointed that he drank so much that he couldn't do the ONE THING that he has to do in order for this baby to happen. 

The pressure (is that the right word???) is getting to me.  There are more sad days than happy days now.  I can't imagine never having a baby but I don't know how much longer I can continue taking all this medicine, going to all these appointments, and wasting all of my time when it is having such an effect on me.  I looked in the mirror today and noticed how much weight I have gained over the past few months.  And how long it's been since I've dyed my hair (yes, I've had gray hair since I was 19!).  I have 3 more weeks until I go back to school for teacher work week.  Once that happens I won't be able to just leave and go to the doctor every time I need to.  So what then? 

I'm sad.  And I'm sad that I'm sad.  But I'm still trying to pretend there's hope for this month.  I ordered 50 Wondfo pregnancy tests and started taking them yesterday to see when the HCG from the trigger shot leaves my system and if, by chance, I get an actual BFP.

It would be a miracle.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Wrath of Clomid

Since Clomid likes to make me have several follicles before I get the LH surge (still yet to get an actual positive surge) my RE likes to check me early.  So after a fun night out drinking--I had a BEER!--we woke up super early for my hot date with the ultrasound tech and her not-so-magic wand.  Friday at the HSG appointment, I had one super follicle and one smaller follicle.  Well, today the super follicle was 25 mm.  It's only day 11.  I've never had a follicle that big (is that normal?  too big?  is there such a thing as too big?), not even when I went in on day 14!  The other follicle is now 17mm.  I usually have 4 large ones, all within a mm or 2 of another, so this is very different. 

I am hoping different is good.

But of course it isn't that easy.

The ultrasound tech was in the middle of telling me to do the trigger shot today when the on-call doctor, the one I do not particularly care for, accidentally walked in.  Best accident ever.  Mr. No Personality last time, was full of personality today.  Good thing I'm all about second chances.  He looked at my lining and said there was no point to trigger today, as my lining is only 5-6 mm.  Too thin. 

At this point, my feelings are Fuck Clomid.

I knew that this was a potential negative side effect, but when the HSG test came back I was so hopeful that this month would be the month.

I am so back and forth with my feelings.

I am so tired of feeling completely consumed and completely devastated by whatever news I am given.

Yet, when I think that I have only been seeing an RE since March, I feel guilty compared to others who have been going through this process so much longer than I have been.  And after reading about the recent losses from other bloggers, I feel so badly for them.  I have no idea what it feels like to go through that.  But I am terrified I never will.  I am terrified I will never get pregnant.  And then I remind myself I've only been seeing the RE since March and the vicious cycle starts all over.

All I have wanted my entire life was to have kids.  It's amazing how alone I feel in the world when I stop to consider that it just might not happen.  I'm at the point where when I see a person with a baby, I stare.  And then fight the urge to be mad as hell.

I read online that your lining is supposed to thicken by 1 mm a day.  So now, on CD11, I am currently hoping the opposite of previous months.  I am hoping to NOT see a smiley face on my OPK test before CD14.  And I am hoping that on CD14 my lining will be at least 8 mm, but hopefully 10mm.

Hoping not to surge feels like the most ironic thing I've hoped for in months.

Here's to the next 3 days full of lots of peeing and no happy faces!

Friday, July 12, 2013


I've decided to consider today's happenings a victory.  Funny how the smallest bit of good news can go a LONG way, especially when its sandwiched between some not-so-great news.

The HSG test showed that my tubes are both open and are now super ready for "visitors".  The doctor said the test alone helps to open you up and gets things flowing, and actually gives you a 20% better chance of pregnancy 1-2 months after.  We're hoping for 1.  OBVIOUSLY! :P

The procedure itself was totally painless.  I got a little light headed after he numbed me, but it subsided shortly and I was completely fine--even when the machine shut down during the middle of the test.  I was worried we were going to have to start all over, but all it meant was that we had to wait a few minutes for it to restart.

After the test, however, was a completely different story.  I had the worst stomach cramps and I could not seem to relax, which only made the cramping worse.  When I get cramps, they are usually in my back, so this was a whole other type of pain than I am used to.  I started to feel nauseous and dizzy and when the nurse brought me advil and water, she commented on how much my hands were shaking.  Until then, I figured it was only in my head.  When the doctor came back in to check on me he made me lay back down (I was sitting up) because he said I had lost all the color in my face.  Good thing he commented on how tan I was when he first walked in, otherwise it may have gone unnoticed.  1 point, sun exposure.  I was literally in so much pain that all I wanted was my husband.  I had been convinced the procedure was going to be easy, and since it was scheduled for 1 pm, I told him he didn't need to come.  -1 point, me.  I ended up calling him around 2:45 and asking him if he could come get me.  I could not fathom getting up and driving home.  I know he got there rather quickly (20 minutes or so) but it seemed like forever.  +346,988 points for Mr. Desperate. 

The good thing was that the doctor came back to check on me after Mr. Desperate arrived and he sat down and talked to both of us for a long time.  The pain was bearable at this point, but he felt really bad for me, so he shot me up with some pain reliever.  I was pretty sure I'd be okay without it, but he said he didn't want me to leave without knowing that in an hour or less, I would be back to normal.  1 point, doctor.  He then took a picture with me to show his son (my former student) when he went home.  I can't imagine how he's going to explain why he saw me!

On the not so great side, they did an ultrasound of my thyroid.  When I met with Midwife Mom the other day she felt a nodule on the left side of my thyroid.  The ultrasound today showed that it is 1.6 cm, and anything over 1 cm needs to be biopsied.  -1 point, needles in my neck.  Doctor Dad told me not to worry about it and assured me that if I needed to worry, he would tell me.

The only other potential issue he saw was something in my uterus.  He wasn't sure what it was and thought it might be a polyp, or nothing at all.  His advice was that if we don't get pregnant this cycle, to skip next month and have a hysteroscopy to see if what he saw was still there and needed to be further addressed.  He also said not to worry too much about that right now.

The best part of the whole appointment was that as worried as I was about being completely exposed to someone I know, it was not an issue at all.  So now, question #1 is... do I switch to this practice??  My OB/GYN no longer delivers babies.  I have been going to her for the past 8 years and I love how thorough she is.  But, I'm going to need to see a different doctor anyways, so maybe this is the time to switch?  I know several people who go to Doctor Dad and him having a more personal relationship with me definitely helps.

Question #2 is... do I have my fertility doctor's office do my next IUI (in a few days.... my largest, and seemingly only large, follicle was 16 mm today; follicle check is Sunday AM) where a nurse will perform the procedure, or have Doctor Dad do it?  He is anti back-to-back IUIs, and says studies show that there is not much of an increase by doing it twice in one cycle.  He said your odds are just as good if you do IUI on day 1 and have sex the next day or days.  Oh, and he also refuses to take my money.  Added bonus, but I don't want him to think that's the only reason I'm going to him.  Nor do I want that to be the only reason I'm going to him.  He said he would charge my for the "materials" and that's it, which clearly beats the $409 at the fertility doctor.

Decisions, decisions... and as usual, I have only a few days to sort through my thoughts, come up with a list of questions to ask Doctor Dad, and come to a decision.

Oh, and I'm going to try acupuncture.  Midwife Mom recommended it, and I don't see how it could hurt!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Jumping the Gun?

I decided to do something last week that I have been putting off since September.  One of my students this year has not one but TWO parents that are doctors.  And by doctors, I mean the dad is an OB/GYN and the mom is a Certified Nurse Midwife/Nurse Practitioner.  As their child's teacher I felt that it was completely crossing the line to ask them medical questions, or even to talk to them remotely about anything that was not related to their child's success in my classroom.

When my husband and I first met with our RE, she mentioned the HSG test as a possible "down the line" test and said that it's both painful and expensive and she tries to not to use that as her first line of treatment.  Since I wasn't ovulating on my own, we assumed that was the problem and when she recommended the IUI, we felt that it was our best chance.  However, after my failed IUI, I began researching about whether IUIs or HSG tests should come first.  Of course, I found evidence to back up both points of view.

So, I decided to email the mom and ask if they refer patients to my doctor, or who else she could recommend, extremely hopeful that she would take a personal interest and want to help me.  THANK GOODNESS she did!  She was extremely helpful and sent me emails back and forth all day, and even looked up codes for me to call my insurance with! 

My doctor's office doesn't do the HSG test, but this office does, so I am going tomorrow for a consultation with "the mom".  I'm definitely weirded out by the idea of someone I know examining me, but she also told me in one of her emails that my OB/GYN is no longer delivering babies.  So that would mean that somewhere down the line I would seeing someone new... soooo why not make that new person a familiar person, right?? 

I'm going in for the HSG test Friday with "the dad" (she can't do the test since she's not a doctor) which I am very nervous about (both the procedure and by him performing it!)  There is another female doctor in the office, that the mom actually scheduled my appointment with, but I would have someone who knows me (no matter how weird I find the situation) than someone who doesn't!

I read somewhere that no one cares more about you getting pregnant that you, and since I *only* have 5 more weeks of summer vacation, adding additional doctor's appointments to my schedule is really no big deal (excluding the bills, of course).

I stupidly decided to watch YouTube videos where people shared their experiences with HSG tests and I think I heard the worst possible scenario, so I am just trying to prepare myself for that possibility.  I was also really nervous about being in pain during the IUI, and that turned out to be nothing, so I am hoping the HSG test turns out like that.  And if not, I only have to do it once!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Pity Party Over

I am fairly certain that yesterday I was given a big sign that I need to stop being sad/mad/depressed/devestated/heart broken about another BFN.

I am going to preface this story with the fact that I was in an incredible amount of pain, so at least when you are laughing, you also feel a little bad for me.  Warning, it is long. 

We came home from our 8 day vacation to a lawn that was screaming for attention.  Unlike most people that we know in Miami, we take care of the yard and pool on our own.  It's not our favorite thing to do in the summer, but we figure that while we have nothing else to focus our attention on (no kids) we might as well save the money and do those things ourselves.

Mr. Desperate started a new job Monday (so at least there was some happiness and celebration even with our BFN results) and is really excited about it.  He has been talking to people off and on for years... maybe 3??  I have, by the way, changed schools twice since then.  Anyway, I decided to be an amazing wife (perhaps a result of reading Gone Girl) and surprise him by mowing the yard while getting out some of my anger/frustration/devastation by the BFN, which he planned to do on the 4th of July.  I've seen him do it a million times and although it took me about 15 minutes to figure out how to start the dang thing, I got it running and was off.  About half an hour into it, the thing died.  So here I am, with like a fifth of the yard mowed, convinced I have broken the machine.

I thought maybe it was just overheated, so I let it sit for a bit before trying to start it again.  It started (Yay!  I didn't break it!) but literally sounded like it was running on fumes.  Then I realized, "It's running on fumes!"  So, I added some more gasoline and was good to go.  At this point, I am so psyched that I don't have to admit I broke the lawn mower and I am just mowing away, wondering how sore I am going to be tomorrow.  When, all of a sudden, I felt like I smacked my head on a tree branch.  But I realize I am close, but not that close, to our avocado tree.  I stood there for a second until I heard a buzzing in my ear. 

Holy F^&%!


I walked away from the tree, hoping the bee would let me gracefully disappear from its presence, but (of course) it followed me.  Calm, rash decisions, turn into panic and I literally threw off my gloves, my shoes, my sunglasses and jumped into the pool FULLY CLOTHED to get away from the bee.  My dog was outside with me and she hates the pool, so she started freaking out.  I'm under water, now worrying that the bee is going to go after her.  And go get all of his bee friends and get us both.  So, here I am, holding my breath as long as I can while deciding that we have to go inside.  NOW.  I poke my head out of the water, don't hear the bee, and make a break for the garage, with Brie (my dog) following me.

So, now I'm in my garage soaking wet and in excruciating pain.  I decided that the bee must have stung me, as I am pretty sure I didn't hit my head on anything.  So I strip down in my garage because I don't want to have to mop my floors today and make a beeline (oh, the irony!) for my bathroom.  My head is pounding and my hands are shaking and all I keep thinking about is the movie My Girl.  I text Mr. Desperate and he knows nothing about bees, so I turn to Google, where I learn you have to get the stinger out.  I'm still not even sure I was stung, by if I was how was I supposed to find a stinger (which I assume is black) in my dark brown hair???  So, I do what any idiot does and start pushing where it hurts.  Somehow, I miraculously located something sticking out of my head.  I decided that I was absolutely, without a doubt, stung by a bee and began to try to remove the tiny stinger from my head (I am still amazed that something so small can hurt so bad).  Only my hands were shaking so bad that I couldn't do it and had to call for backup. My friend (the one that went with me to one of my doctor's appointments) came over and saved me, and then laughed her a$$ off.

I took tylonel, benadryl, put ice on my head, and proceeded to sleep for 4 hours.  Mr. Desperate came home, was pissed that I left all the lawn equipment outside, but once he realized that I could not function after taking benadryl he didn't care. He even stopped on the way home to pick me up queso (I was born and raised in Texas)!

It still hurts today, but I think that's my head's way of reminding me NOT to go outside again.  And to look into a bee removal company :) .

So, in all the craziness, I was able to let go of all of my disappointment.  I woke up today without the feeling that the air was weighing me down.  Hopefully, in a few days I will be able to laugh as I tell this story and that I will be able to begin my next cycle with some weight lifted from my shoulders. 

Oh, and the next time someone asks if I'm allergic to bees, I can definitely say no!

Monday, July 1, 2013

Vacation.... Over

Oops.  Did I say "Vacation... Over"?  I meant to say "2WW... Over".  And I'm not sure why I'm telling a joke, because it ended with a BFN.  Again.  Humor as a defense mechanism, I guess.

So now I wait for CD1.

I am not looking forward to another round of Clomid.  It's hot enough outside.

I think I am too frustrated for words.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Feeling Guilty

Back-to-back IUI #1 was easier than I expected.  As the nurse was finishing on day 2, she announced that since Mr. Desperate's sperm count was still so high that we could have sex that night.  I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing I was thinking about at that moment was sex.  I could tell by the look on Mr. Desperate's face that his thoughts weren't so far off from mine.  However, late last night, he clearly changed his mind.  Nothing like having the Heat win in the last seconds of overtime to help his testosterone kick in!  I'll spare you the details, but afterwards he announced that that was the best it's been since we started trying.  I immediately wanted to cry, because I was so hurt, and then I realized that for the past year he hasn't been able to get past the pressure. I felt awful.  Clearly, the majority of our issues have been because of my body.  I've been the one that's been confused, frustrated, poked, and prodded.  Even though his levels require him to take some vitamins, I didn't think it was an issue for him.  Am I that oblivious?  I wanted to cry even more.

Am I crazy for feeling so guilty?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Nerves or Excitement??

Tomorrow morning will be my first IUI.  I have 2 follicles (20 and 21) and a third at 17.  I am not sure if I am nervous or excited, but I am definitely emotional, and I'm pretty sure it's way too soon for the trigger shot to be affecting my emotions!!  I'm worried it will hurt (they assured me it's just uncomfortable) and that I will have a panic attack mid-procedure (this typically happens when they keep me waiting in the exam room for a considerable amount of time).

I am so hopeful that this will be what we need to get a BFP, but so scared that it won't work. 

It's hard to keep being so positive when, at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up too high.

The good news is that my parents are coming in town Thursday, my siblings come in town Friday, and we leave for an 8 day cruise Saturday.  The day we get back will be beta test day, so at least the 2WW won't go by as slowly as it has in the past!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Happy Face FAIL

I decided yesterday to start OPK testing, even though it was only CD8.  Big surprise, it was negative. 

This morning, I took an OPK test and thought it was broken because as I glanced at the test, I didn't see the empty circle that I have gotten so used to seeing (sigh).  At second glance, I realized there was a happy face and could not contain my excitement.  I called the doctor, which I was planning on anyways since I have so many questions before we make a decision about IUI, and added an, "Oh, by the way, I also had a positive OPK test just now."  I tried to remain patient, but they took FOREVER to call back.  And by the way, forever is painfully longer when you are a teacher and have the summer off.  I actually went to a friend's house (the one that knows what's going on) to kill time and help her paint a spare bedroom.  While I was there I took another test and it was negative.  Boo.  An hour later the nurse called back and told me to come in for an ultrasound.  My friend excitedly volunteered to come with me, and off we went.  So, at least I had company when the nurse started the ultrasound and I realized immediately that the follicles were all too small. 

Damn OPK test. 

Damn excitement for a happy face that turned out to lead to nothing but happiness.

While I was there they drew blood for a progesterone level check, which I am sure my insurance will deem unnecessary.  Oh well.

I also learned that my "usual" nurse wasn't in today and that my doctor is on vacation.  I know I could have asked another nurse my list of 100 questions but I just wanted to talk to someone who knows me.  Or, at least, someone who I think knows me better.  "My" nurse will be in tomorrow and I hope she is prepared to be bombarded with questions!

I'm so worried about missing the surge that I hate this part more than the 2WW!!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Confused and Overwhelmed

Today I received a message from a nurse at my doctor's office.  After reviewing my husband's latest test results the doctor recommends IUI.  Without me realizing it, tears immediately welled in my eyes, and my "assistant" teacher (assistant is in quotes because she is completely my teaching partner, but she leaves 2 days a week at noon) asked me if everything was okay.

How do I answer that?

A thousand thoughts raced through my mind in the few seconds that passed since I listened to the message.  When the nurse first called me with test results Monday, everything sounded fine.  All his levels had increased, some tremendously.  And now it seems like all of a sudden we've been bombarded with making a major decision... within the next few days.

I know I need to call the doctor and ask questions.  The truth is, my brain cannot function enough to formulate questions.

I know that everyone is different, but can anyone offer me suggestions as to what to ask the doctor that will help me decide whether we do this or not (this is "only" my 2nd month taking Clomid).

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Send in the... clowns???

My sister recommended that I google "stress + conception" which, for those of you who don't have a sister, means, "You talk too much," (although she swears I'm not annoying her).  Out of boredom, I was playing online and came across an article about how IVF is more successful when women were  entertained by a "medical clown" after implantation.  (Google "Patch Adams" or "Gesundheit! Institute" when you have spare time.)

While I do think that maintaining a low stress level is important, I also realize that if I weren't stressed concerned about my reproductive challenges, I wouldn't be going to a specialist and we would just be having TI, or what we decided was TI, with no rhyme or reason.

But the real concern here is that I hate clowns.  I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm terrified by them, but even when there's a clown on TV, I look away.  And it's not just clowns... it's anyone in a costume where you can't see their face (picture me at Disney World... the only one avoiding EVERY character that walks by!).

Here's the (somewhat old) article--

Monday, June 10, 2013

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

And I have officially begun Clomid attempt #2!  I was pretty certain that the first attempt's side effects weren't that bad, and they didn't kick in until the last day of the pills.  This time, not so much... the hot flashes have already arrived, more frequently than last time, although they are not as bad and do not last as long.   I'm also pretty sure my husband would say my mood swings are off the chart... and he seemed overly excited about going to work this morning.

The good news is that my doctor wants me to have an ultrasound on CD 11, and not wait until CD 14 if the OPKs are still negative.  I've heard and read so many different things about how and when to do OPKs.... first thing in the am, second pee of the day, afternoon, night, all of the above, and that you have to wait 4 hours after taking one to take another.  Any thoughts/opinions/advice for my upcoming OPKs (preferably medical advice, but anything that's worked will be greatly appreciated!)??

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Cycle Day 1... I hope!

Am I the only one that panics when it comes to deciding what day is actually CD1???  I was pretty sure it was Monday, but then by Monday afternoon I was pretty sure it wasn't.  Same thing happened Tuesday.  So today I decided morning and afternoon that it was Cycle Day 1.  Just to be on the safe side I scheduled my next ultrasound for CD3 (nothing like spending your first day of summer vacation being poked and prodded by a nurse in a freezing cold exam room!).  I'm terrified I'm going to miss the chance to do another round of Clomid, but even more concerned about going in and getting assaulted when it's not necessary (and feeling like a moron for it!)!!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

My First Post

Recently, someone asked me, "If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?"  Without hesitation, I responded, "Write."  I have always wanted to be an author.  I began writing my first chapter book when I was in first grade.  The Lonely Dog.  I wrote it in red pen and it remains in the top drawer of my nightstand at my parents house.  Unfinished.

I, by no means, think that I have a talent for writing.  And when it comes to blogging, I have no idea what I'm doing.  But apparently, neither do my ovaries.  So, since I figure we're in this together, I can give blogging a try...

My journey of trying to conceive (TTC, I know... I'm new to the lingo!) has only been a year.  I don't know why I said "only", because it feels like an eternity, but I know that there are many other people who have been TTC for years and in comparison, a year is nothing. 

When I went off birth control last June, I by no means expected to get pregnant right away.  In fact, the only reason I went off birth control was because I was changing jobs and it was one less detail to stress about.  Just to be clear, my husband and I absolutely want children--lots of them.  He's still on the fence about how many, but before this process, I wanted 6 children.  Now I will be happy with 1. 

In October, I went in for my annual appointment and talked to my gynecologist about getting pregnant.  At that point, my cycles had already started getting farther apart (in the low 30s), but she said it was nothing to be concerned about about explained how to figure out when I was ovulating without buying one of the kits.  In January 2013, my cycles started getting even farther apart (in the 40s), so in February, I decided to buy an ovulation prediction kit, which was positive every day for 40 days.  Or maybe longer, but after 40 days, I stopped doing them and called my doctor.  She then referred me to a specialist.

My first appointment with the specialist was on March 25th.  After talking in her office, she ran blood work and did my first internal ultrasound, where she noticed my "poly cystic ovaries".  As the words came out of her mouth, I remembered that I was supposed to mention that my sister was diagnosed with PCOS when TTC.  At least now we had an explanation.  Not that I wanted something to be wrong, but I am a huge believer in medication and strongly felt that once I had this diagnosis, I would take this medicine and everything would just work out. 

No. Such. Luck.

After getting my initial blood work back, I was taking prenatal vitamins and a supplement called Pregnitude twice a day, which is a "reproductive support dietary supplement for women that helps support ovulatory function, menstrual cyclicity and quality of eggs.* (* These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease)."  My thyroid levels were within the normal range, but for PCOS patients they find fewer miscarriages in patients with TSH levels under 2.5.  My TSH level was 2.53 so my RE decided to hold off on prescribing Synthroid, and repeat labs in 4 weeks.

When they repeated my labs, my TSH levels increased to 4.25 and I started taking 50 mcg of Levothyroxine (Synthroid).  At this point, I had still not gotten my period (CD 37) so I started taking 400 mg of Progesterone for 10 days.  My RE made it sound like I would get my period at the end of the 10 days or a few days after, but I didn't get my period for 9 days after finishing the Progesterone (CD 56).  I have never been so psyched to have the worst cramps!  With every agonizingly painful moment I kept thinking, "56 days... 56 days..."  I went in for an internal ultrasound on CD 2 and since there were no cysts and I was 100% not pregnant (just one stalled egg... booooo), I started taking 50 mg of Clomid on CD 3-7.  On CD 10-14 I took the at home ovulation prediction kit tests and was so happy to see a negative (after the 40 extremely false positives, I felt that this was the first good sign I'd had!).... at first.  On CD 14, I still had not had the LH surge and went in for another internal ultrasound.  It was a Sunday, and unfortunately, my doctor was not the doctor on call.  The not-so-friendly doctor I saw marked THREE huge follicles.

They shot me up with Ovidrel (which I continue to call by name, even though every time I do, my sister says, "people just call it a trigger shot") and sent me home with wishes of good luck.  I went in 2 days later (CD 16, if you're keeping track) for another internal ultrasound, which showed that all of the THREE follicles were no longer there.  Meaning that I had actually ovulated.  After waiting out a 56 day cycle, being told I ovulated felt like I had won the lottery.  And now we had three chances of having a baby.  If only it were that easy....

They also repeated my blood work to check my TSH levels.  Which, of course, increased to 5.16, so I increased my dose of  Levothyroxine (Synthroid) to 100 mcg.  On CD 21, I went in for a Mid Luteal Progesterone blood test.  Fortunately, my Progesterone levels were high--56.2 (they like them to be above 10).  Unfortunately, here I am, one week later, after receiving a phone call from the nurse saying that this morning's Beta HCG Pregnancy Test was negative.  I could hear it in her voice from the second she said my name and could barely make it down the hall to tell my husband before I started crying.

So I did what I always do--planted myself in front of my computer and started researching Clomid success rates and reading about success stories and came across some blogs from people who are in similar situations, while my husband went and worked in the yard.  After wanting to post about 87 responses to other people's posts, comments, and questions, I decided I needed a space of my own.  My husband, as much as I love him, and as much as he wants to have a baby, doesn't get it.  My family doesn't get it.  My friends don't get it.  They listen and they are supportive, but it's really hard when they haven't been there.  Or if they have, because I do have one friend that I talked to who also has PCOS and had difficulty getting pregnant, they now have a baby.

If you're still reading this, I applaud you.  I can't believe how much I had to write.  And honestly, how much better it feels now that I've written this.  I hope that I didn't scare you away, and I promise I won't always write this much!!