Disappointed

It's one thing to be disappointed that things aren't going the way you hoped they would go, but it's completely different to be disappointed in your husband.  And sadly, that is how I feel. 

Last week, Mr. Desperate had a work dinner and apparently at his new job they like to go to strip clubs after big dinners.  Too bad his going to a strip club is not the reason I'm disappointed.  His two "rules" for his night out were not to do anything at the strip club that he could be blackmailed with and not to drink too much.  I do, however, think it's so weird that he would go to a strip club with the CEO of the company.  But whatever... they didn't even end up going to a strip club.

By the way, that morning I went to my IUI #2 appointment all by myself.  After being told that back to back IUIs are not that much more successful, we decided to save the $400 and only do 1 IUI this month.  Since I basically just sit around all day and think wish about being pregnant, we were hoping that the 1 IUI, acupuncture, trying the "old fashioned" method at home, and all of my hoping and wishing myself pregnant would do the trick this month.

I waited up for him to come home, and tried not to text him like a lunatic all night long.  He finally came home around 2 am.  WASTED.  I actually could not believe he drove home, but since we HAD to have sex, I had to put aside all my feelings.  And that's where the disappointment comes in.  Apparently he drank so much that he wasn't able to fulfill his end of the deal.  I ended up crying and saying a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have said, but things that I also didn't really know that I felt.  I slept on the couch.  Our 3rd anniversary is in 10 days and I have never slept on the couch.  I also have my beta blood work scheduled for our anniversary.  Dumb idea.

I was taking Mr. Desperate's parents to the airport the next morning, so I woke up early, but again, he wasn't able to function.  When he came home from work he was really apologetic, but still could not function.  And that I was disappointed in him.  Disappointed that he stayed out late.  Disappointed that he drank so much that he couldn't do the ONE THING that he has to do in order for this baby to happen. 

The pressure (is that the right word???) is getting to me.  There are more sad days than happy days now.  I can't imagine never having a baby but I don't know how much longer I can continue taking all this medicine, going to all these appointments, and wasting all of my time when it is having such an effect on me.  I looked in the mirror today and noticed how much weight I have gained over the past few months.  And how long it's been since I've dyed my hair (yes, I've had gray hair since I was 19!).  I have 3 more weeks until I go back to school for teacher work week.  Once that happens I won't be able to just leave and go to the doctor every time I need to.  So what then? 

I'm sad.  And I'm sad that I'm sad.  But I'm still trying to pretend there's hope for this month.  I ordered 50 Wondfo pregnancy tests and started taking them yesterday to see when the HCG from the trigger shot leaves my system and if, by chance, I get an actual BFP.

It would be a miracle.