Monday, September 16, 2013

Word Vomit

I started this blog to help myself sort through my feelings about being a part of the undesirable IF world, and quickly found that I was more honest in the blog world than I had really been to myself.  Sadly, I have been staying away from the blog world lately.  When I first started reading and following blogs, I honestly didn't feel like I belonged.  Several blogs I read were people sharing their stories of the struggles for years.  What right did I have to whine (yes, I WAS whining) when I started seeing an RE after 9 months.  Although this summer was the hardest time in my life, reading other blogs made me feel like no matter how much I was struggling, almost everyone else had been struggling longer, or with a lot harder situations.  So, when I got a BFP it was surreal.  I could think of so many other people that deserved this BFP.  I didn't feel pregnant, and worried that my lack of feeling were a sign of something negative looming nearby.  The first ultrasound at 6 weeks showed a slightly low heartbeat, but then the second showed it right on target, and the third showed that it was high/strong. 

Again, I find myself feeling like I don't belong.  I'm back to where I started, reading blogs, and wanting to comment, but then for some reason not.  Every week or two, I do comment, as I feel like your comments and posts helped me all summer long and I don't know how I would mentally be here today if it wasn't for the blogs I read, and especially those who have commented on my blog.  I know that we're all strangers, yet I don't feel that way.  I cried when I read heartbreaking posts this summer and laughed out loud at others while my dog started at me like I was a lunatic.

I remember after my first failed cycle with Clomid, I was in the REs office, waiting for my CD3 check for round 2 of Clomid.  Clear as day, I heard someone in the next room listening to their baby's heartbeat.  I was livid.  Obviously I knew my doctor had a high success rate, but hearing a heartbeat right after learning I would have to start another medicated cycle was not something I was prepared for.  I texted my sister and referred to the mystery patient by some not-so-nice words and she said, "Just think.... she could have been going there for years."  So, when I am MIA, I am not abandoning the IF world, but I am worried that my new status makes others uncomfortable and want to be respectful.

Here comes baby news, so if you stop reading now, I totally understand.

On September 4th, Mr. Desperate and I flew to TX to spend time with my family for the Jewish New Year.  I teach at a Jewish Day School so I had several days off.  While we see my family frequently (but never enough), we have not had an alone-visit (no siblings) in 4 years.  When we were running around wedding planning.  The only other time we have spent time with just my parents in TX was when Mr. Desperate first met them.  In 2007.  We flew in, had dinner and went to services.  That night we sat around in our Family Room talking until we were exhausted.  The next morning, we went to services, came home for lunch, and then started our usual afternoon playing games.  We had this whole plan to share the news by laying out the due date with Rummikub Tiles, but of course my parents wanted to play Mexican Train Dominoes.   After a few confusing rounds, Mr. Desperate convinced them to switch to play one game of Rummikub.  He kept drawing tiles and at one point my mom even said to him, "Come on, put down something interesting."  Then, my dad won.  We knew this was our only game and so I turned to my hubby and said, "You didn't play anything at all.  How about you at least put something down.... I'll loan you this tile (as I handed him the tile he was missing)."  So, he set out the date and my parents looked totally confused.  My dad even said, "What is that?"  I told him the joker was a 0, and they still just looked at it, puzzled.  So I said, "Why don't you read it like this, April 10th, 2014."  FINALLY!  They got it!  I also made them a calendar using cute scrapbook paper from a blank wooden set I ordered on Etsy (where I ordered everything for our announcement ideas).  This way they can count down the weeks/days since they are so far away. Although, my mom said I'd have to remind them every week to change it!  My mom knows about our struggles and has shared some of the less graphic details with my dad, so they were both extremely happy (and relieved) to hear the news.

When we got back in town, we were supposed to do dinner with my in-laws and were going to tell them in a cute way.  But, my father-in-law wasn't feeling well and only wanted soup so we picked up something and my mother-in-law just dropped us off at home.  Our cute plan went out the window and Mr. Desperate just called them and said we completely forgot that we brought them something from TX and could we swing by on our way to pick up our dog at a friend's house.  So, we walked in and said something along the lines of , "We brought this back to share."  They were really excited although my mother-in-law said twice, "I hope it was easy for you."  She knows nothing about our IF and she's lucky I didn't punch her.  We both ignored her, but don't worry, that didn't stop her from saying it again to my mom when she called her that night.  Ughhh!  Who wants to know that info, anyways?!?!?!

Next on the list to tell was my sister, who also knows what's been going on.  She lives in GA, so I sent her this.  She said the second she it, she KNEW.  (Since she predicted it, I guess that makes sense!)  She and my brother-in-law were so excited and I didn't even feel bad hanging up with my mom on her birthday to talk to my sister.  I think my mom was just thrilled to talk to someone about it other then me!

We had to wait until the weekend to tell my sister-in-law due to her and her husband's work schedules and their kids' sleep schedules.  We went over Saturday afternoon and I put the "Little Cousin" shirt (in purple) on my 11-month-old niece.  Of course, my 3-year-old niece didn't want to put on the "Big Cousin" shirt (in hot pink), but I came prepared with a Hershey Kiss to convince her to wear it.  She walked into the kitchen and said, "Look, Mommy," (directed at the Hershey Kiss she was holding, of course) and then I walked in carrying the 11-month-old and holding the "Baby Cousin" onesie (in yellow).  Mr. Desperate's sister was completely surprised, because I shared with her about the thyroid biopsy I need, and happily pulled out her stored bins of maternity clothes.  I don't know if she was more excited to get rid of clothes she doesn't need, or to share them with me and her soon to be niece/nephew.  We somehow made it through the afternoon without saying the word "baby" or "cousin" which I am SURE that the 3-year-old would repeat to everyone in our family... which we were getting together with that night!  Phew!

Tomorrow my brother and his fiance will receive their package.  I'm a little worried that the unexpected news (although she asked my sister recently if she thought I would have a baby by their wedding and he asked my mom the same thing a few months ago) will be a bump in the road during their wedding planning, so I am hoping that when she sees that "Aunt Stefanie" part, she will be excited and not upset!!

Mr. Desperate's birthday happens to be at 12 weeks, so we will have his extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) and a few of our close friends over for dinner for his birthday.  That may sound like a small gathering, but I think it's around 30 people!  My doctor does this new blood test called a Panorama test where they check for all the genetic diseases and possible syndromes at 10 weeks.  They can also tell the baby's gender through the blood work.  I know this is new and that not every doctor does it because two of my friends that are pregnant are both waiting to see the gender on ultrasounds.  The results take about two weeks but my Doctor Dad and Midwife Mom asked the nurse to have the company rush my results so I don't have to wait that long to hear all the results.  Special treatment at this point is making up for the past year+ of hell and frustration.  I really don't want to find out but Mr. Desperate wants to know everything.  I compromised, because I know he will be compromising (being forced to let me decorate however I want to) on what the baby's room looks like! :)  I told Mr. Desperate that I would have "Happy Birthday Daddy" written on the cake, but I secretly found another cute onesie that he will LOVE.  I'm going to order it for him and when he opens it everyone will be surprised--including him!