Today marks 6 weeks and my first OB Ultrasound. I had a dream last night (strange and vivid dreams run in my family) that I was being chased and ended up jumping out of a window of a tall building to get away. Then, I started bleeding. When I woke up I went to the bathroom just to make sure that I wasn't actually bleeding. Because here's the thing... I do not feel pregnant. I do not feel different. I am not nauseous, or exhausted, and my boobs haven't grown a cup size (like some app I downloaded said could happen). I guess maybe they are a little fuller, but nothing extreme. Nothing unlike around the time when I ovulate or get my period. And I am typically an emotional person. I watch a sappy movie or TV show and cry at the tiniest emotional moment. I have had to hold back a few tears here and there over the past week, but nothing like my norm, and certainly nothing over the top.
So I went to the appointment today without my "everything is sunshine and rainbows" attitude because I just don't feel pregnant. I always thought that I would just immediately KNOW. That I would wake up the day after implantation (although in my mind, it was really the day after baby-making) and have to run to the bathroom. If anything, I have a lack of appetite and am forcing myself to eat throughout the day.
So I'm in the room with the nurse and my husband and she's showing us the fetal pole and the yolk sack and taking measurements and pictures and it just doesn't seem real. Why are people on TV always crying and I'm not??? So then she says, let's see if we can record the heart beat, and I think to myself, "Okay, NOW it's going to hit me." Nope. Don't get me wrong, it was amazing that something that doesn't even look like a baby yet has a heartbeat (flashback to anti-abortion billboards that say, "Your baby's heart beats for the first time at xx days"), but it just doesn't feel real.
Am I so jaded from all the months of TTC on our own with only BFNs that I can't revel in what should be complete and utter joy? Am I detached from the months spent having Clomid mood swings and failed IUIs? Or am I now past all the getting pregnant issues and worried about carrying this baby to term (my sister lost one of her identical twins at 29 weeks and then had an emergency c-section at 30 weeks)?
The baby's heartbeat was a little low today (107). They like it to be over 110, but over 100 is considered okay. Heart rates at this point in the 80s and 90s tend to be early predictors of neurological disorders. It's not that low, so Midwife Mom says I shouldn't be concerned. She wanted me to come back next week to check again, but I told her I go to the RE Monday for the first ultrasound there and asked if I could just let her know the heart rate then, which she said was fine. Depending on what the RE sees, I may go for another ultrasound there before being dismissed to see my regular OB/GYN.
BUSTED! I cheated on my RE with my OB/GYN!!! In my defense, my RE is out of town and Doctor Dad said they would fit me in today.
I'm still looking for flights to drop so we can go home and tell my parents in person in 3 weeks. I hope that by then I will be excited.
Seriously, what is wrong with me?????
Personally, I think I'm going to react the same way you did as a coping mechanism. I've read so many blogs where ladies say they don't cry, they don't start planning, they don't imagine what their lives will be like in 9 months because they're scared that something will happen. If you've been around the infertility world for even the shortest amount of time, you quickly realize that just getting pregnant isn't the answer to the problem, things can happen between conception and due date. Because I know this, I think that I'm going to be very wary about becoming attached to my baby for a while. Just something else infertility has robbed me of.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure as time goes on, it'll start to feel real. Once you're puking every morning and your belly starts to grow, it'll start to feel real :-)
Aislinn, you don't know how much better your post made me feel! I still feel guilty that I am not beaming from ear to ear, but I think the underlying fear that "if something were to happen, who knows how long it will take me to get back to this place" has just taken over my life. Even typing it makes me more worried. Like I am putting it out there and the universe and suggesting that bad things happen. I've definitely started to feel crummy when I'm relaxed and doing nothing like watching TV (WTF??) and do not want to eat chicken (a phase I've gone through every now and then). I'm flying home in a week to tell my parents and hope one more ultrasound before then will do the trick.
DeleteOh man, I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing this, though. When I get my BFP, I have no idea how I'll feel. At least I know I won't be alone if I feel exactly like you do. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteThank you. It feels so weird to have the one thing that I so desperately wanted, yet not feel anything. Meanwhile, Mr. Desperate has downloaded apps and reads me all that's he's learning (and he reads ahead!) daily. I've downloaded apps too, but I'm still pretty numb. Sigh.
DeleteI think it's definitely a coping mechanism, always worried something will go wrong (even when it doesn't). I have no doubt I'll be the same. My best friend lost a baby at 26 weeks and her second pregnancy she spent the whole time not excited, worried. I really think it's our way of preparedness.
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