The Wrath of Clomid

Since Clomid likes to make me have several follicles before I get the LH surge (still yet to get an actual positive surge) my RE likes to check me early.  So after a fun night out drinking--I had a BEER!--we woke up super early for my hot date with the ultrasound tech and her not-so-magic wand.  Friday at the HSG appointment, I had one super follicle and one smaller follicle.  Well, today the super follicle was 25 mm.  It's only day 11.  I've never had a follicle that big (is that normal?  too big?  is there such a thing as too big?), not even when I went in on day 14!  The other follicle is now 17mm.  I usually have 4 large ones, all within a mm or 2 of another, so this is very different. 

I am hoping different is good.

But of course it isn't that easy.

The ultrasound tech was in the middle of telling me to do the trigger shot today when the on-call doctor, the one I do not particularly care for, accidentally walked in.  Best accident ever.  Mr. No Personality last time, was full of personality today.  Good thing I'm all about second chances.  He looked at my lining and said there was no point to trigger today, as my lining is only 5-6 mm.  Too thin. 

At this point, my feelings are Fuck Clomid.

I knew that this was a potential negative side effect, but when the HSG test came back I was so hopeful that this month would be the month.

I am so back and forth with my feelings.

I am so tired of feeling completely consumed and completely devastated by whatever news I am given.

Yet, when I think that I have only been seeing an RE since March, I feel guilty compared to others who have been going through this process so much longer than I have been.  And after reading about the recent losses from other bloggers, I feel so badly for them.  I have no idea what it feels like to go through that.  But I am terrified I never will.  I am terrified I will never get pregnant.  And then I remind myself I've only been seeing the RE since March and the vicious cycle starts all over.

All I have wanted my entire life was to have kids.  It's amazing how alone I feel in the world when I stop to consider that it just might not happen.  I'm at the point where when I see a person with a baby, I stare.  And then fight the urge to be mad as hell.

I read online that your lining is supposed to thicken by 1 mm a day.  So now, on CD11, I am currently hoping the opposite of previous months.  I am hoping to NOT see a smiley face on my OPK test before CD14.  And I am hoping that on CD14 my lining will be at least 8 mm, but hopefully 10mm.

Hoping not to surge feels like the most ironic thing I've hoped for in months.

Here's to the next 3 days full of lots of peeing and no happy faces!