I might be crazy, BUT...

I'm also PREGNANT!!!

After all the Wondfo tests, I couldn't wait and decided to take the one digital ept that I have left this morning.  The most beautiful word I have ever seen appeared on the test.  Pregnant.

My first beta is was scheduled for Thursday.  But I couldn't wait that long.  If I'm getting a BFP on an at-home test, then the blood work would show the same, right?!??!  After waiting for an eternity for the answering service to be turned off  and a real person to answer the phone (30 minutes), I asked if I could come in today since I was getting positive pregnancy tests on two different brands at home.  The words sounded alien to me, even as they were coming out of my mouth.

Luckily, they were willing to let me come in today.  While I was waiting for the tech to draw my blood I was telling her about the tests and she said, "Oh, you're definitely pregnant."  I left not knowing how I was going to go about my day as planned when I had one and only one thing on my mind.

When I got in the car, the first song playing on the radio was "I'll Be There" by The Jackson 5.  I took that as a sign.

After 6.5 long hours of staring at my phone while doing back-to school clothes shopping, I realized I didn't have service.  I ran out of the store, and immediately my phone rang.

Nothing like standing in the middle of a mall while waiting to hear the words that you've been dying to hear.

"Congratulations!  You're pregnant!"

These were my levels today:
        Progesterone-92 (they look for over 10)
        Estrogen-708 (they look for over 200)
        Beta Blood Work-35 (they look for over 5)

I go back in two days to repeat blood work.

I can't wait to tell my husband.  I bought him something in January, because I was so sure that it would be "any month now".  Even though he's seen all the sticks, he doesn't know I went to the doctor today.  He called me just to check in earlier, which he never does, but since I was with my friend shopping he didn't ask me anything specific.  I'm not a good liar, so that really helped me out!!

I think I've lost my mind

I can't stop crying.

Around 11 am, I did a Wondfo pregnancy test, saw no line and went on with my day.  I'm not really expecting a line and I'm not really sure why I'm still taking the tests.  I guess part of me wants to think that the cramping I'm experiencing isn't my soon-to-arrive period, but my future baby saying hello.  About an hour ago I went to go to the bathroom again and I SWEAR I saw a light pink second line on that first test.  I know you're supposed to read the tests within 5 minutes, so maybe that line doesn't count.  Although when I was testing out the HCG from the Ovidrel injection, those tests all look the same now as they did when I initially took them.

So maybe the line is not even there.  Maybe I'm seeing things.  Just to be sure, I did what any normal person does and take another test.  And STARE it down.  I still see a possibly phantom light pink line on this test.  I can't stop crying.  I can't stop shaking.  I went from having no hope to literally being so hopeful at the possibility that there is actually a second pink line.

I called my husband at work.  Crying.  I told him that I don't mean to get his hopes up because I could just be going crazy but that I think I see a second pink line and that I had to tell somebody.

It's only cycle day 26, so is this too early to actually see something on the Wondfo tests?  Am I just going crazy because I want this so bad?

I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to do beta blood work Thursday (our anniversary) because I didn't want confirmed bad news to ruin our day.  Now I'm torn because I really think it could be good news.  So going and getting bad news would be that much worse.

I'm officially crazy.  Officially.

The Pact

After I got engaged one of my best friend's said to me, "Please don't get pregnant before I get married."  We live in different states and she said that the only way our kids would get to be friends is if they went to college together.  Clearly kids were not on my mind then and I happily agreed.  There might have been drinking involved.  Heavy drinking.

She got married May 2012, which conveniently happened to be right before we starting TTC.

This past March her husband arranged a surprise weekend trip for her 30th birthday in Chicago.  She and one of our other best friends stayed up night after night, drinking and talking and drinking some more.  It was after that trip that I had my first visit to the RE.

She just called me.  Twice.  I was hoping she was calling to say she was in town... sometimes they have last minute family trips to her husband's parents' condo in Ft. Lauderdale.  She's pregnant.  It wasn't planned (ahhh to be so lucky), but of course they are so excited.  Now that I'm typing it, I'm starting to get emotional, but as I was talking to her, I was 100% completely happy for her.  She did however make a comment that now I need to get working on babies but immediately retracted it.  She obviously doesn't know about our past year.

I started getting cramps yesterday, which is consistent with the past failed cycles.  I'm about 90% sure that I'm going to skip the beta blood work on Thursday.  I think I'd rather just wait the 3 or 4 days for my period than sit around all day hoping for even the smallest, tiniest glimmer of a chance that it will be good news.  It won't be.

I think what I'm most annoyed about is that since I was told to skip next month (Doctor Dad emailed me yesterday afternoon to see how I was feeling and I asked if that was really necessary) that I'm now looking at having a summer baby.  Clearly, that is THE MOST rational thing to focus on right now.  Not the fact that I'm frustrated, tried of taking medication, tired of being molested every week at the doctor, or the fact that I am more terrified day after day that I am never going to get pregnant.  As a teacher, that's just not the ideal situation.  Nothing against all you summer babies out there, but being the youngest in the class is not ideal (honestly... neither is being the oldest in the class!).  Plus, since I get 10 weeks off, schools don't always understand your want/need to take off time from your job.  I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but since I've learned how expensive it is to live in Miami (or anywhere, really), I don't know if that would be the best financial choice.  Although at this point, if I do actually ever have a baby, I'm not sure I would ever be able to leave him or her at home or at a day care.  Or anywhere.  I'm already overprotective and a baby hog.  And I don't even have my own baby to hog.

Disappointed

It's one thing to be disappointed that things aren't going the way you hoped they would go, but it's completely different to be disappointed in your husband.  And sadly, that is how I feel. 

Last week, Mr. Desperate had a work dinner and apparently at his new job they like to go to strip clubs after big dinners.  Too bad his going to a strip club is not the reason I'm disappointed.  His two "rules" for his night out were not to do anything at the strip club that he could be blackmailed with and not to drink too much.  I do, however, think it's so weird that he would go to a strip club with the CEO of the company.  But whatever... they didn't even end up going to a strip club.

By the way, that morning I went to my IUI #2 appointment all by myself.  After being told that back to back IUIs are not that much more successful, we decided to save the $400 and only do 1 IUI this month.  Since I basically just sit around all day and think wish about being pregnant, we were hoping that the 1 IUI, acupuncture, trying the "old fashioned" method at home, and all of my hoping and wishing myself pregnant would do the trick this month.

I waited up for him to come home, and tried not to text him like a lunatic all night long.  He finally came home around 2 am.  WASTED.  I actually could not believe he drove home, but since we HAD to have sex, I had to put aside all my feelings.  And that's where the disappointment comes in.  Apparently he drank so much that he wasn't able to fulfill his end of the deal.  I ended up crying and saying a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have said, but things that I also didn't really know that I felt.  I slept on the couch.  Our 3rd anniversary is in 10 days and I have never slept on the couch.  I also have my beta blood work scheduled for our anniversary.  Dumb idea.

I was taking Mr. Desperate's parents to the airport the next morning, so I woke up early, but again, he wasn't able to function.  When he came home from work he was really apologetic, but still could not function.  And that I was disappointed in him.  Disappointed that he stayed out late.  Disappointed that he drank so much that he couldn't do the ONE THING that he has to do in order for this baby to happen. 

The pressure (is that the right word???) is getting to me.  There are more sad days than happy days now.  I can't imagine never having a baby but I don't know how much longer I can continue taking all this medicine, going to all these appointments, and wasting all of my time when it is having such an effect on me.  I looked in the mirror today and noticed how much weight I have gained over the past few months.  And how long it's been since I've dyed my hair (yes, I've had gray hair since I was 19!).  I have 3 more weeks until I go back to school for teacher work week.  Once that happens I won't be able to just leave and go to the doctor every time I need to.  So what then? 

I'm sad.  And I'm sad that I'm sad.  But I'm still trying to pretend there's hope for this month.  I ordered 50 Wondfo pregnancy tests and started taking them yesterday to see when the HCG from the trigger shot leaves my system and if, by chance, I get an actual BFP.

It would be a miracle.

The Wrath of Clomid

Since Clomid likes to make me have several follicles before I get the LH surge (still yet to get an actual positive surge) my RE likes to check me early.  So after a fun night out drinking--I had a BEER!--we woke up super early for my hot date with the ultrasound tech and her not-so-magic wand.  Friday at the HSG appointment, I had one super follicle and one smaller follicle.  Well, today the super follicle was 25 mm.  It's only day 11.  I've never had a follicle that big (is that normal?  too big?  is there such a thing as too big?), not even when I went in on day 14!  The other follicle is now 17mm.  I usually have 4 large ones, all within a mm or 2 of another, so this is very different. 

I am hoping different is good.

But of course it isn't that easy.

The ultrasound tech was in the middle of telling me to do the trigger shot today when the on-call doctor, the one I do not particularly care for, accidentally walked in.  Best accident ever.  Mr. No Personality last time, was full of personality today.  Good thing I'm all about second chances.  He looked at my lining and said there was no point to trigger today, as my lining is only 5-6 mm.  Too thin. 

At this point, my feelings are Fuck Clomid.

I knew that this was a potential negative side effect, but when the HSG test came back I was so hopeful that this month would be the month.

I am so back and forth with my feelings.

I am so tired of feeling completely consumed and completely devastated by whatever news I am given.

Yet, when I think that I have only been seeing an RE since March, I feel guilty compared to others who have been going through this process so much longer than I have been.  And after reading about the recent losses from other bloggers, I feel so badly for them.  I have no idea what it feels like to go through that.  But I am terrified I never will.  I am terrified I will never get pregnant.  And then I remind myself I've only been seeing the RE since March and the vicious cycle starts all over.

All I have wanted my entire life was to have kids.  It's amazing how alone I feel in the world when I stop to consider that it just might not happen.  I'm at the point where when I see a person with a baby, I stare.  And then fight the urge to be mad as hell.

I read online that your lining is supposed to thicken by 1 mm a day.  So now, on CD11, I am currently hoping the opposite of previous months.  I am hoping to NOT see a smiley face on my OPK test before CD14.  And I am hoping that on CD14 my lining will be at least 8 mm, but hopefully 10mm.

Hoping not to surge feels like the most ironic thing I've hoped for in months.

Here's to the next 3 days full of lots of peeing and no happy faces!

Victory!!!

I've decided to consider today's happenings a victory.  Funny how the smallest bit of good news can go a LONG way, especially when its sandwiched between some not-so-great news.

The HSG test showed that my tubes are both open and are now super ready for "visitors".  The doctor said the test alone helps to open you up and gets things flowing, and actually gives you a 20% better chance of pregnancy 1-2 months after.  We're hoping for 1.  OBVIOUSLY! :P

The procedure itself was totally painless.  I got a little light headed after he numbed me, but it subsided shortly and I was completely fine--even when the machine shut down during the middle of the test.  I was worried we were going to have to start all over, but all it meant was that we had to wait a few minutes for it to restart.

After the test, however, was a completely different story.  I had the worst stomach cramps and I could not seem to relax, which only made the cramping worse.  When I get cramps, they are usually in my back, so this was a whole other type of pain than I am used to.  I started to feel nauseous and dizzy and when the nurse brought me advil and water, she commented on how much my hands were shaking.  Until then, I figured it was only in my head.  When the doctor came back in to check on me he made me lay back down (I was sitting up) because he said I had lost all the color in my face.  Good thing he commented on how tan I was when he first walked in, otherwise it may have gone unnoticed.  1 point, sun exposure.  I was literally in so much pain that all I wanted was my husband.  I had been convinced the procedure was going to be easy, and since it was scheduled for 1 pm, I told him he didn't need to come.  -1 point, me.  I ended up calling him around 2:45 and asking him if he could come get me.  I could not fathom getting up and driving home.  I know he got there rather quickly (20 minutes or so) but it seemed like forever.  +346,988 points for Mr. Desperate. 

The good thing was that the doctor came back to check on me after Mr. Desperate arrived and he sat down and talked to both of us for a long time.  The pain was bearable at this point, but he felt really bad for me, so he shot me up with some pain reliever.  I was pretty sure I'd be okay without it, but he said he didn't want me to leave without knowing that in an hour or less, I would be back to normal.  1 point, doctor.  He then took a picture with me to show his son (my former student) when he went home.  I can't imagine how he's going to explain why he saw me!

On the not so great side, they did an ultrasound of my thyroid.  When I met with Midwife Mom the other day she felt a nodule on the left side of my thyroid.  The ultrasound today showed that it is 1.6 cm, and anything over 1 cm needs to be biopsied.  -1 point, needles in my neck.  Doctor Dad told me not to worry about it and assured me that if I needed to worry, he would tell me.

The only other potential issue he saw was something in my uterus.  He wasn't sure what it was and thought it might be a polyp, or nothing at all.  His advice was that if we don't get pregnant this cycle, to skip next month and have a hysteroscopy to see if what he saw was still there and needed to be further addressed.  He also said not to worry too much about that right now.

The best part of the whole appointment was that as worried as I was about being completely exposed to someone I know, it was not an issue at all.  So now, question #1 is... do I switch to this practice??  My OB/GYN no longer delivers babies.  I have been going to her for the past 8 years and I love how thorough she is.  But, I'm going to need to see a different doctor anyways, so maybe this is the time to switch?  I know several people who go to Doctor Dad and him having a more personal relationship with me definitely helps.

Question #2 is... do I have my fertility doctor's office do my next IUI (in a few days.... my largest, and seemingly only large, follicle was 16 mm today; follicle check is Sunday AM) where a nurse will perform the procedure, or have Doctor Dad do it?  He is anti back-to-back IUIs, and says studies show that there is not much of an increase by doing it twice in one cycle.  He said your odds are just as good if you do IUI on day 1 and have sex the next day or days.  Oh, and he also refuses to take my money.  Added bonus, but I don't want him to think that's the only reason I'm going to him.  Nor do I want that to be the only reason I'm going to him.  He said he would charge my for the "materials" and that's it, which clearly beats the $409 at the fertility doctor.

Decisions, decisions... and as usual, I have only a few days to sort through my thoughts, come up with a list of questions to ask Doctor Dad, and come to a decision.

Oh, and I'm going to try acupuncture.  Midwife Mom recommended it, and I don't see how it could hurt!

Jumping the Gun?

I decided to do something last week that I have been putting off since September.  One of my students this year has not one but TWO parents that are doctors.  And by doctors, I mean the dad is an OB/GYN and the mom is a Certified Nurse Midwife/Nurse Practitioner.  As their child's teacher I felt that it was completely crossing the line to ask them medical questions, or even to talk to them remotely about anything that was not related to their child's success in my classroom.

When my husband and I first met with our RE, she mentioned the HSG test as a possible "down the line" test and said that it's both painful and expensive and she tries to not to use that as her first line of treatment.  Since I wasn't ovulating on my own, we assumed that was the problem and when she recommended the IUI, we felt that it was our best chance.  However, after my failed IUI, I began researching about whether IUIs or HSG tests should come first.  Of course, I found evidence to back up both points of view.

So, I decided to email the mom and ask if they refer patients to my doctor, or who else she could recommend, extremely hopeful that she would take a personal interest and want to help me.  THANK GOODNESS she did!  She was extremely helpful and sent me emails back and forth all day, and even looked up codes for me to call my insurance with! 

My doctor's office doesn't do the HSG test, but this office does, so I am going tomorrow for a consultation with "the mom".  I'm definitely weirded out by the idea of someone I know examining me, but she also told me in one of her emails that my OB/GYN is no longer delivering babies.  So that would mean that somewhere down the line I would seeing someone new... soooo why not make that new person a familiar person, right?? 

I'm going in for the HSG test Friday with "the dad" (she can't do the test since she's not a doctor) which I am very nervous about (both the procedure and by him performing it!)  There is another female doctor in the office, that the mom actually scheduled my appointment with, but I would have someone who knows me (no matter how weird I find the situation) than someone who doesn't!

I read somewhere that no one cares more about you getting pregnant that you, and since I *only* have 5 more weeks of summer vacation, adding additional doctor's appointments to my schedule is really no big deal (excluding the bills, of course).

I stupidly decided to watch YouTube videos where people shared their experiences with HSG tests and I think I heard the worst possible scenario, so I am just trying to prepare myself for that possibility.  I was also really nervous about being in pain during the IUI, and that turned out to be nothing, so I am hoping the HSG test turns out like that.  And if not, I only have to do it once!

Pity Party Over

I am fairly certain that yesterday I was given a big sign that I need to stop being sad/mad/depressed/devestated/heart broken about another BFN.

I am going to preface this story with the fact that I was in an incredible amount of pain, so at least when you are laughing, you also feel a little bad for me.  Warning, it is long. 

We came home from our 8 day vacation to a lawn that was screaming for attention.  Unlike most people that we know in Miami, we take care of the yard and pool on our own.  It's not our favorite thing to do in the summer, but we figure that while we have nothing else to focus our attention on (no kids) we might as well save the money and do those things ourselves.

Mr. Desperate started a new job Monday (so at least there was some happiness and celebration even with our BFN results) and is really excited about it.  He has been talking to people off and on for years... maybe 3??  I have, by the way, changed schools twice since then.  Anyway, I decided to be an amazing wife (perhaps a result of reading Gone Girl) and surprise him by mowing the yard while getting out some of my anger/frustration/devastation by the BFN, which he planned to do on the 4th of July.  I've seen him do it a million times and although it took me about 15 minutes to figure out how to start the dang thing, I got it running and was off.  About half an hour into it, the thing died.  So here I am, with like a fifth of the yard mowed, convinced I have broken the machine.

I thought maybe it was just overheated, so I let it sit for a bit before trying to start it again.  It started (Yay!  I didn't break it!) but literally sounded like it was running on fumes.  Then I realized, "It's running on fumes!"  So, I added some more gasoline and was good to go.  At this point, I am so psyched that I don't have to admit I broke the lawn mower and I am just mowing away, wondering how sore I am going to be tomorrow.  When, all of a sudden, I felt like I smacked my head on a tree branch.  But I realize I am close, but not that close, to our avocado tree.  I stood there for a second until I heard a buzzing in my ear. 

Holy F^&%!

A BEE!

I walked away from the tree, hoping the bee would let me gracefully disappear from its presence, but (of course) it followed me.  Calm, rash decisions, turn into panic and I literally threw off my gloves, my shoes, my sunglasses and jumped into the pool FULLY CLOTHED to get away from the bee.  My dog was outside with me and she hates the pool, so she started freaking out.  I'm under water, now worrying that the bee is going to go after her.  And go get all of his bee friends and get us both.  So, here I am, holding my breath as long as I can while deciding that we have to go inside.  NOW.  I poke my head out of the water, don't hear the bee, and make a break for the garage, with Brie (my dog) following me.

So, now I'm in my garage soaking wet and in excruciating pain.  I decided that the bee must have stung me, as I am pretty sure I didn't hit my head on anything.  So I strip down in my garage because I don't want to have to mop my floors today and make a beeline (oh, the irony!) for my bathroom.  My head is pounding and my hands are shaking and all I keep thinking about is the movie My Girl.  I text Mr. Desperate and he knows nothing about bees, so I turn to Google, where I learn you have to get the stinger out.  I'm still not even sure I was stung, by if I was how was I supposed to find a stinger (which I assume is black) in my dark brown hair???  So, I do what any idiot does and start pushing where it hurts.  Somehow, I miraculously located something sticking out of my head.  I decided that I was absolutely, without a doubt, stung by a bee and began to try to remove the tiny stinger from my head (I am still amazed that something so small can hurt so bad).  Only my hands were shaking so bad that I couldn't do it and had to call for backup. My friend (the one that went with me to one of my doctor's appointments) came over and saved me, and then laughed her a$$ off.

I took tylonel, benadryl, put ice on my head, and proceeded to sleep for 4 hours.  Mr. Desperate came home, was pissed that I left all the lawn equipment outside, but once he realized that I could not function after taking benadryl he didn't care. He even stopped on the way home to pick me up queso (I was born and raised in Texas)!

It still hurts today, but I think that's my head's way of reminding me NOT to go outside again.  And to look into a bee removal company :) .

So, in all the craziness, I was able to let go of all of my disappointment.  I woke up today without the feeling that the air was weighing me down.  Hopefully, in a few days I will be able to laugh as I tell this story and that I will be able to begin my next cycle with some weight lifted from my shoulders. 

Oh, and the next time someone asks if I'm allergic to bees, I can definitely say no!

Vacation.... Over

Oops.  Did I say "Vacation... Over"?  I meant to say "2WW... Over".  And I'm not sure why I'm telling a joke, because it ended with a BFN.  Again.  Humor as a defense mechanism, I guess.

So now I wait for CD1.

I am not looking forward to another round of Clomid.  It's hot enough outside.

I think I am too frustrated for words.