Back to School Blues

OMG I cannot believe I have not read blogs in a week and haven't posted in almost 2 weeks!  School started here on August 19th and I have been EXHAUSTED and missing summer.  It was so nice being able to leisurely do my two errands, clean the house, and make dinner.  WAS.  SIGH.  I can't remember the last time I made dinner.  Although that is partly due to my not wanting to smell food, which appeared in the middle of last week.  Tomorrow marks 8 weeks, which I'm sure makes some of reading this want to punch me in the face.  It's okay, I've had that feeling too.  My last post consisted of me ranting about how NOT slap-happy I am.  I am still not feeling that way, but please don't think that means I do not want to be pregnant.  I really never thought I was going to get to this point (dramatic, I know) and it's still pretty surreal.  I'm also scared that if something were to happen I may not be able to recover.  Or get to this point again.  So many thoughts and fears--which is why it's somewhat reassuring to know that I have not connected with this raspberry-sized life inside of me.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for this Friday, which will hopefully end with my RE dismissing me from her office.  My next appointment with Midwife Mom is 2 weeks from today, and I get do this Panorama blood test that basically checks for all potential genetic issues and can determine the gender.  The results take 10 days, so we scheduled the test at 10 weeks, which is the earliest they can do it, so that we have the results back by Mr. Desperate's birthday, which is when we plan to tell family (besides parents and siblings that we will tell a little before... I think.  Still debating on that actually.)

Mr. Desperate and I did finally book flights home (my home, his home is here) so we could tell my parents in person.  I am having a hard time remembering my mom doesn't know and have to think carefully when I'm talking to her.  I wasn't feeling so great on Saturday when we were talking and she asked if everything was okay.  I had to stop myself and just said that my voice was tired from talking all week at school (also very true).

My sister's almost 2-year-old had some stomach thing Sunday/Monday but was generally feeling okay.  My sister sent a picture to my parents of the baby holding a thermometer with a huge smile on her face and my dad's response was, "Is that a pregnancy test?"  My response was, "If she is pregnant, then I need to know her secret!" (Yes, I know completely inappropriate and disgusting.)  My sister's response, luckily, while I was sleeping, "She's smiling because she knows your secret--that you're really pregnant!"  Good thing I was asleep when she sent it because it was easier to get out of the conversation the next morning.  I'm also having a hard time remembering that my sister doesn't know.

What happens when everyone knows?  Are they going to call me every day and ask me how I'm feeling?  Touch my stomach constantly?  I don't really like attention, nor do I love people touching me.  And while I love babies, I have never been one to be overly excited about anyone's pregnancy.  In fact, I specifically remember my mother-in-law saying something to my husband about my lack of excitement when his sister was pregnant.  I like babies people.  Once they're out.  Not while they are cooking inside of you.  I know, I know.... cry me a river. 

Speaking of Cry Me a River, remember about 3 weeks ago when I posted that my father-in-law got tickets to Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z's last concert of their tour?  And there was a potential back stage/meet JT?  Well we met him!!  Before the concert there was a tasting of his tequila--901--with about 20 people.  No joke.  We were hanging out waiting for him to appear, when all of a sudden he was standing in the doorway.  I had that dumb moment, where I looked over and thought, "That guy looks familiar."  Idiot.  So he walks in the room and the first person he says hi to and shook hands with is none other than Mr. Desperate himself!  He went around the room shaking everyone's hand (I was person #3--very important!) and then had a drink while telling stories about the behind the scenes of tequila making.  Not the coolest thing we've ever done, but pretty damn awesome.  Mr. Desperate wanted to know why he wasn't dressed better.... see for yourself!!

*P.S.-If you happen to know me in real life, please don't out my condition or private thoughts.  Also, I wonder how Justin would feeling knowing that I posted a picture of us (I cropped out Mr. Desperate and his father) on my blog!

What is wrong with me???

Today marks 6 weeks and my first OB Ultrasound.  I had a dream last night (strange and vivid dreams run in my family) that I was being chased and ended up jumping out of a window of a tall building to get away.  Then, I started bleeding.  When I woke up I went to the bathroom just to make sure that I wasn't actually bleeding.  Because here's the thing... I do not feel pregnant.  I do not feel different.  I am not nauseous, or exhausted, and my boobs haven't grown a cup size (like some app I downloaded said could happen).  I guess maybe they are a little fuller, but nothing extreme.  Nothing unlike around the time when I ovulate or get my period.  And I am typically an emotional person.  I watch a sappy movie or TV show and cry at the tiniest emotional moment.  I have had to hold back a few tears here and there over the past week, but nothing like my norm, and certainly nothing over the top.

So I went to the appointment today without my "everything is sunshine and rainbows" attitude because I just don't feel pregnant.  I always thought that I would just immediately KNOW.  That I would wake up the day after implantation (although in my mind, it was really the day after baby-making) and have to run to the bathroom.  If anything, I have a lack of appetite and am forcing myself to eat throughout the day.

So I'm in the room with the nurse and my husband and she's showing us the fetal pole and the yolk sack and taking measurements and pictures and it just doesn't seem real.  Why are people on TV always crying and I'm not???  So then she says, let's see if we can record the heart beat, and I think to myself, "Okay, NOW it's going to hit me."  Nope.  Don't get me wrong, it was amazing that something that doesn't even look like a baby yet has a heartbeat (flashback to anti-abortion billboards that say, "Your baby's heart beats for the first time at xx days"), but it just doesn't feel real.

Am I so jaded from all the months of TTC on our own with only BFNs that I can't revel in what should be complete and utter joy?  Am I detached from the months spent having Clomid mood swings and failed IUIs?  Or am I now past all the getting pregnant issues and worried about carrying this baby to term (my sister lost one of her identical twins at 29 weeks and then had an emergency c-section at 30 weeks)?

The baby's heartbeat was a little low today (107).  They like it to be over 110, but over 100 is considered okay.  Heart rates at this point in the 80s and 90s tend to be early predictors of neurological disorders.  It's not that low, so Midwife Mom says I shouldn't be concerned.  She wanted me to come back next week to check again, but I told her I go to the RE Monday for the first ultrasound there and asked if I could just let her know the heart rate then, which she said was fine.  Depending on what the RE sees, I may go for another ultrasound there before being dismissed to see my regular OB/GYN. 

BUSTED!  I cheated on my RE with my OB/GYN!!!  In my defense, my RE is out of town and Doctor Dad said they would fit me in today.

I'm still looking for flights to drop so we can go home and tell my parents in person in 3 weeks.  I hope that by then I will be excited. 

Seriously, what is wrong with me????? 

Doctor Dad Makes an Appearance

Well, at least his name made an appearance on my phone.  He finally got back to me!  I texted him Monday and even though he said he'd call me later, he never did!  I didn't want to be THAT girl and harass him with follow-up texts and luckily my 3 day wait paid off.  He called and I got to share the good news with him.  Since he was the one that did the HSG test, I'm going to go ahead and give him lots of credit for opening up the path that led to my BFP.  He gave me the run down on beginning pregnancy stuff (what not to eat, what to expect in the up coming weeks and why) and asked where I stand with appointments at the fertility doctor's office. 

I told him that I have my first OB ultrasound scheduled for August 19th, the first day of school.  He then looked at my timeline and since today marks 5 weeks from my last period, he says I can have an ultrasound next Thursday/Friday and not have to wait another weekend.  I explained that with the doctor's schedule and my needing a late afternoon appointment since we have teacher meetings all next week, that it had to be that Monday.  Well, of course, he said that they can get me in their office Thursday or Friday.  He will be out of town, but Midwife Mom will be there.  Within an hour (before my husband could even respond to my text about what afternoon worked better for him) the nurse from the office called to schedule my appointment.  Boy, do I feel like I'm a celebrity.  I don't even have to call in to schedule my own appointments--they call me!! So a week from today I will get the first pictures and hopefully see a strong heartbeat.

I'm dying to fly home to tell me parents, but flights have been so expensive that I've been putting it off and waiting for them to drop.  I have 2.5 days off of work right around week 9, and when you add the weekend to that it really is a nice long trip.  Both of my siblings live elsewhere, so we are mostly together for family events like weddings, birthdays, and/or vacations and I really haven't had any alone time with my parents since I got married 3 years ago.  I'm not looking forward to the expensive trip, but my husband is completely understanding and says it's totally worth it.  Plus, we get to tell his parents when we get back so I think he's really excited for that.  I've planned out ways to tell all the major people in our life except for his parents, so I've got to get to thinking on that.  I had an idea, but I could tell that Mr. Desperate wasn't so crazy about it.  He came up with a way, so maybe I will let him tell him.  They are his parents, after all!  All my ways involve gifts/physically presented objects, so I don't' want them to feel left out when he literally just tells them (even though it would be in a cute way). 

The coolest thing that I learned today was that they can now do blood work at 10 weeks (when they test for Down Syndrome among other things) to find out the gender.  I don't want to find out, but my husband does.  Since he had to deal with all my Clomid mood swings and my crazy obsessive pee sticks everywhere, I think I will let him have this one.  My current guess is that it's a boy.

And speaking of celebrities... my father-in-law called this afternoon and asked if I like Justin Timberlake.  So random.  And YES, OF COURSE!  Someone gave him 2 tickets to the Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z Concert next week.  I'm so excited!!  He also said that if we get there early we can meet them.  I'm not sure why he thinks that, because the picture of the tickets he sent me just appear to be normal tickets, but that would be awesome!!  My sister, who lives in Atlanta, is waiting for my husband to say he doesn't want to go.  She is all ready to buy a ticket and go with me!  Don't worry... he said she could buy a ticket and we'd sneak her in to meet them with us.  :)

Still on the Right Track

Today marks 4 weeks and 4 days and beta #3.  The technician that took my blood said congratulations and it seemed so foreign to me.  I wonder when this will all actually sink in....

Today's beta results.... 683.  Still increasing and although I was hoping it would be something like 4,000 today (just to be SURE it's really true) I can handle the 683.  :)

Doctor Dad emailed me over a week ago and when I responded, I never heard back from him.  Hmmm... Maybe it was the zillion questions I asked him?  Maybe he's out of town?  In this day and age, waiting a week, make that 10 days for an email response is eternity.  So, since I have his cell phone number so I decided to text him earlier this evening.  He's out of town for work and said he'd call later.  I've been postponing taking a shower waiting for him to call, but I think I'm officially about to give up!

In all the craziness last week, I forgot to share that one of my other friends is pregnant.  I had my suspicions about a month ago.  She does know what's going on, so I think she tried to be as delicate with me as possible.  I'm extremely happy for her, but I also think she's a little nuts because she has a 14 month old!  Little did she know that I had gotten my own very good news just hours before she shared hers.  I can't wait until the day that I can call and say, "Remember when you called to tell me you were pregnant?  Yeah, well I was about 12 seconds pregnant!"  She's due 2 weeks after my other friend, which I am sure they are both really excited about.

I go for my first OB Ultrasound in two weeks, which also happens to be the first day of school.  Good thing the doctor's office is close to my school and that I was able to pressure them into giving me a 4 PM appointment.  I hope I don't fall asleep in the waiting room, since I know I will be completely exhausted!  Just thinking about the first day of school makes me want to take a nap! 

In the meantime I will be taking my time setting up my classroom, digging up my summer reading that I completely forgot about, and continuing to take all my medication.  Apparently you can't stop taking anything until the first ultrasound, and maybe not even for the first trimester.  I'd really love to cut out some of my pill popping action!  Of course, Mr. Desperate has already long forgotten all his vitamins.  Must be nice.... :)

So far, so good

I went in this morning for my second beta and my results are now 134.  This is almost quadruple my number two days ago (35) so I am hoping that means this is really real.  Besides the fact that the nurse told me it was supposed to double, I know nothing about what beta numbers mean.  I go again for beta #3 on Saturday.

Since I spent Tuesday shopping, when Mr. Desperate came home from work, he saw a gift bag on the table.  He looked at it, at the stack of cards next to it (anniversary cards from family), and then back at me.  I was working on dinner, so I sort of had my back to him.  I told him since I had done so much damage shopping that I bought him a little present to make it less painful.  He asked if it was an anniversary present, and I said something like, "I guess if you want to think of it that way, you can.  But you don't have to wait to open it," which is SO not like me.  I refuse to open cards or presents until the actual special day.

So, he reached in the bag and pulled out this heart shaped piece of paper and says, "What's this?" before he even reads it.  Then, he immediately followed that question with, "Are you serious?" and put his hand into the bag and pulled out what was inside:

     

                                        
Of course, then he wanted to know how I was so sure and I had to confess that I neglected to tell him that I took the digital ept test that morning and when it said positive, I called the doctor and moved my appointment up.  I told him I thought about surprising him at work with the gift, or bringing it to him at his 5:30 meeting, but he agreed that he wouldn't have been able to finish his day if I had told him any of it.  Good thing he wasn't mad about me lying!!