Worst Blog Ever

So it's been two months since I've posted and probably one month since I've been reading the blogs that I follow.  The sad part... I've been doing nothing.  I'm not busier at school than normal--I actually feel really organized and on top of things this year, which I rarely ever am.  Although this summer, I wasn't working and going to doctor's appointments and stalking blogs was my only real form of entertainment.

My personal life hasn't been that overwhelming, although I do have a friend getting married that has been having showers and bachelorette parties.  We've had a lot of family birthdays, too.  But really, I just come home from work and sleep.  I don't even think I did laundry for month.  Which only became a problem when my shirts started to get a little snug and my looser options were all dirty.  And then I realized I have WAY too many clothes.  Hopefully hoarding material possessions is a trait that I will not pass on to my baby GIRL!!

Even after we got the blood work back saying it's a girl, I was still so sure it was a boy.  But, I went to a specialist for a full anatomy scan (which apparently is routine for every pregnancy, but enough to freak me out when they first told me I was going to get a referral) we could clearly see that it is a girl.  Not that it matters; I just hate to be wrong!!!

So, this little lady seems to be doing great.  I am now 19 weeks and 2 days.  My pants are just starting to get tight, although my boobs have already grown a full cup size--WTF!  Mr. Desperate couldn't be happier about that.  Too bad I have zero desire for anything that he has 100% desire for... poor guy! :(  He went from being forced to have sex to not having sex at all.  I'm sure he loves me more than ever--NOT!  Other than being tired (and lazy), I don't want to eat chicken, and fish doesn't sit well, but I feel completely normal.  If it weren't for the lack of a period (although my super long cycles felt like they were this long at some points) and the numerous ultrasounds I've had, I honestly still wouldn't believe it.

Mr. Desperate wants to start talking names.  And mentioned that he really likes the name Beverly.  No offense to anyone named Beverly, but that's just not going to be this baby's name.  I'm just not ready to start talking to names, especially because I still refer to the baby as "it".  Since I haven't felt it move and I don't really look different, it just doesn't seem real.  I just read that at 24 weeks the chance of a baby's survival out of the room become a realistic statistic so I think that after that point I will maybe be able to start thinking of names.

We did however, pick out bedding.  We're going to do pink and gray and I mixed and matched fabrics from New Arrivals when I was in Atlanta for my niece's 2nd birthday this past weekend.  Just in case this is our only baby, I decided that custom bedding was one major exception that I could make.  I go to the doctor again this Wednesday and am prepared for them to say, "Do you have any questions?" before I head out.  The funny thing is, I have zero questions.  This summer every time I went to the RE I think I had a zillion questions and now, nothing.  I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy, but after feeling like you've lived at a doctor's office where you're assaulted with an ultrasound wand all the freaking time, their appointments are just pretty boring in comparison!!

Word Vomit

I started this blog to help myself sort through my feelings about being a part of the undesirable IF world, and quickly found that I was more honest in the blog world than I had really been to myself.  Sadly, I have been staying away from the blog world lately.  When I first started reading and following blogs, I honestly didn't feel like I belonged.  Several blogs I read were people sharing their stories of the struggles for years.  What right did I have to whine (yes, I WAS whining) when I started seeing an RE after 9 months.  Although this summer was the hardest time in my life, reading other blogs made me feel like no matter how much I was struggling, almost everyone else had been struggling longer, or with a lot harder situations.  So, when I got a BFP it was surreal.  I could think of so many other people that deserved this BFP.  I didn't feel pregnant, and worried that my lack of feeling were a sign of something negative looming nearby.  The first ultrasound at 6 weeks showed a slightly low heartbeat, but then the second showed it right on target, and the third showed that it was high/strong. 

Again, I find myself feeling like I don't belong.  I'm back to where I started, reading blogs, and wanting to comment, but then for some reason not.  Every week or two, I do comment, as I feel like your comments and posts helped me all summer long and I don't know how I would mentally be here today if it wasn't for the blogs I read, and especially those who have commented on my blog.  I know that we're all strangers, yet I don't feel that way.  I cried when I read heartbreaking posts this summer and laughed out loud at others while my dog started at me like I was a lunatic.

I remember after my first failed cycle with Clomid, I was in the REs office, waiting for my CD3 check for round 2 of Clomid.  Clear as day, I heard someone in the next room listening to their baby's heartbeat.  I was livid.  Obviously I knew my doctor had a high success rate, but hearing a heartbeat right after learning I would have to start another medicated cycle was not something I was prepared for.  I texted my sister and referred to the mystery patient by some not-so-nice words and she said, "Just think.... she could have been going there for years."  So, when I am MIA, I am not abandoning the IF world, but I am worried that my new status makes others uncomfortable and want to be respectful.

Here comes baby news, so if you stop reading now, I totally understand.

On September 4th, Mr. Desperate and I flew to TX to spend time with my family for the Jewish New Year.  I teach at a Jewish Day School so I had several days off.  While we see my family frequently (but never enough), we have not had an alone-visit (no siblings) in 4 years.  When we were running around wedding planning.  The only other time we have spent time with just my parents in TX was when Mr. Desperate first met them.  In 2007.  We flew in, had dinner and went to services.  That night we sat around in our Family Room talking until we were exhausted.  The next morning, we went to services, came home for lunch, and then started our usual afternoon playing games.  We had this whole plan to share the news by laying out the due date with Rummikub Tiles, but of course my parents wanted to play Mexican Train Dominoes.   After a few confusing rounds, Mr. Desperate convinced them to switch to play one game of Rummikub.  He kept drawing tiles and at one point my mom even said to him, "Come on, put down something interesting."  Then, my dad won.  We knew this was our only game and so I turned to my hubby and said, "You didn't play anything at all.  How about you at least put something down.... I'll loan you this tile (as I handed him the tile he was missing)."  So, he set out the date and my parents looked totally confused.  My dad even said, "What is that?"  I told him the joker was a 0, and they still just looked at it, puzzled.  So I said, "Why don't you read it like this, April 10th, 2014."  FINALLY!  They got it!  I also made them a calendar using cute scrapbook paper from a blank wooden set I ordered on Etsy (where I ordered everything for our announcement ideas).  This way they can count down the weeks/days since they are so far away. Although, my mom said I'd have to remind them every week to change it!  My mom knows about our struggles and has shared some of the less graphic details with my dad, so they were both extremely happy (and relieved) to hear the news.

 

When we got back in town, we were supposed to do dinner with my in-laws and were going to tell them in a cute way.  But, my father-in-law wasn't feeling well and only wanted soup so we picked up something and my mother-in-law just dropped us off at home.  Our cute plan went out the window and Mr. Desperate just called them and said we completely forgot that we brought them something from TX and could we swing by on our way to pick up our dog at a friend's house.  So, we walked in and said something along the lines of , "We brought this back to share."  They were really excited although my mother-in-law said twice, "I hope it was easy for you."  She knows nothing about our IF and she's lucky I didn't punch her.  We both ignored her, but don't worry, that didn't stop her from saying it again to my mom when she called her that night.  Ughhh!  Who wants to know that info, anyways?!?!?!

Next on the list to tell was my sister, who also knows what's been going on.  She lives in GA, so I sent her this.  She said the second she it, she KNEW.  (Since she predicted it, I guess that makes sense!)  She and my brother-in-law were so excited and I didn't even feel bad hanging up with my mom on her birthday to talk to my sister.  I think my mom was just thrilled to talk to someone about it other then me!

 

We had to wait until the weekend to tell my sister-in-law due to her and her husband's work schedules and their kids' sleep schedules.  We went over Saturday afternoon and I put the "Little Cousin" shirt (in purple) on my 11-month-old niece.  Of course, my 3-year-old niece didn't want to put on the "Big Cousin" shirt (in hot pink), but I came prepared with a Hershey Kiss to convince her to wear it.  She walked into the kitchen and said, "Look, Mommy," (directed at the Hershey Kiss she was holding, of course) and then I walked in carrying the 11-month-old and holding the "Baby Cousin" onesie (in yellow).  Mr. Desperate's sister was completely surprised, because I shared with her about the thyroid biopsy I need, and happily pulled out her stored bins of maternity clothes.  I don't know if she was more excited to get rid of clothes she doesn't need, or to share them with me and her soon to be niece/nephew.  We somehow made it through the afternoon without saying the word "baby" or "cousin" which I am SURE that the 3-year-old would repeat to everyone in our family... which we were getting together with that night!  Phew!

 

Tomorrow my brother and his fiance will receive their package.  I'm a little worried that the unexpected news (although she asked my sister recently if she thought I would have a baby by their wedding and he asked my mom the same thing a few months ago) will be a bump in the road during their wedding planning, so I am hoping that when she sees that "Aunt Stefanie" part, she will be excited and not upset!!

Mr. Desperate's birthday happens to be at 12 weeks, so we will have his extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) and a few of our close friends over for dinner for his birthday.  That may sound like a small gathering, but I think it's around 30 people!  My doctor does this new blood test called a Panorama test where they check for all the genetic diseases and possible syndromes at 10 weeks.  They can also tell the baby's gender through the blood work.  I know this is new and that not every doctor does it because two of my friends that are pregnant are both waiting to see the gender on ultrasounds.  The results take about two weeks but my Doctor Dad and Midwife Mom asked the nurse to have the company rush my results so I don't have to wait that long to hear all the results.  Special treatment at this point is making up for the past year+ of hell and frustration.  I really don't want to find out but Mr. Desperate wants to know everything.  I compromised, because I know he will be compromising (being forced to let me decorate however I want to) on what the baby's room looks like! :)  I told Mr. Desperate that I would have "Happy Birthday Daddy" written on the cake, but I secretly found another cute onesie that he will LOVE.  I'm going to order it for him and when he opens it everyone will be surprised--including him!

Back to School Blues

OMG I cannot believe I have not read blogs in a week and haven't posted in almost 2 weeks!  School started here on August 19th and I have been EXHAUSTED and missing summer.  It was so nice being able to leisurely do my two errands, clean the house, and make dinner.  WAS.  SIGH.  I can't remember the last time I made dinner.  Although that is partly due to my not wanting to smell food, which appeared in the middle of last week.  Tomorrow marks 8 weeks, which I'm sure makes some of reading this want to punch me in the face.  It's okay, I've had that feeling too.  My last post consisted of me ranting about how NOT slap-happy I am.  I am still not feeling that way, but please don't think that means I do not want to be pregnant.  I really never thought I was going to get to this point (dramatic, I know) and it's still pretty surreal.  I'm also scared that if something were to happen I may not be able to recover.  Or get to this point again.  So many thoughts and fears--which is why it's somewhat reassuring to know that I have not connected with this raspberry-sized life inside of me.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for this Friday, which will hopefully end with my RE dismissing me from her office.  My next appointment with Midwife Mom is 2 weeks from today, and I get do this Panorama blood test that basically checks for all potential genetic issues and can determine the gender.  The results take 10 days, so we scheduled the test at 10 weeks, which is the earliest they can do it, so that we have the results back by Mr. Desperate's birthday, which is when we plan to tell family (besides parents and siblings that we will tell a little before... I think.  Still debating on that actually.)

Mr. Desperate and I did finally book flights home (my home, his home is here) so we could tell my parents in person.  I am having a hard time remembering my mom doesn't know and have to think carefully when I'm talking to her.  I wasn't feeling so great on Saturday when we were talking and she asked if everything was okay.  I had to stop myself and just said that my voice was tired from talking all week at school (also very true).

My sister's almost 2-year-old had some stomach thing Sunday/Monday but was generally feeling okay.  My sister sent a picture to my parents of the baby holding a thermometer with a huge smile on her face and my dad's response was, "Is that a pregnancy test?"  My response was, "If she is pregnant, then I need to know her secret!" (Yes, I know completely inappropriate and disgusting.)  My sister's response, luckily, while I was sleeping, "She's smiling because she knows your secret--that you're really pregnant!"  Good thing I was asleep when she sent it because it was easier to get out of the conversation the next morning.  I'm also having a hard time remembering that my sister doesn't know.

What happens when everyone knows?  Are they going to call me every day and ask me how I'm feeling?  Touch my stomach constantly?  I don't really like attention, nor do I love people touching me.  And while I love babies, I have never been one to be overly excited about anyone's pregnancy.  In fact, I specifically remember my mother-in-law saying something to my husband about my lack of excitement when his sister was pregnant.  I like babies people.  Once they're out.  Not while they are cooking inside of you.  I know, I know.... cry me a river. 

Speaking of Cry Me a River, remember about 3 weeks ago when I posted that my father-in-law got tickets to Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z's last concert of their tour?  And there was a potential back stage/meet JT?  Well we met him!!  Before the concert there was a tasting of his tequila--901--with about 20 people.  No joke.  We were hanging out waiting for him to appear, when all of a sudden he was standing in the doorway.  I had that dumb moment, where I looked over and thought, "That guy looks familiar."  Idiot.  So he walks in the room and the first person he says hi to and shook hands with is none other than Mr. Desperate himself!  He went around the room shaking everyone's hand (I was person #3--very important!) and then had a drink while telling stories about the behind the scenes of tequila making.  Not the coolest thing we've ever done, but pretty damn awesome.  Mr. Desperate wanted to know why he wasn't dressed better.... see for yourself!!

*P.S.-If you happen to know me in real life, please don't out my condition or private thoughts.  Also, I wonder how Justin would feeling knowing that I posted a picture of us (I cropped out Mr. Desperate and his father) on my blog!

What is wrong with me???

Today marks 6 weeks and my first OB Ultrasound.  I had a dream last night (strange and vivid dreams run in my family) that I was being chased and ended up jumping out of a window of a tall building to get away.  Then, I started bleeding.  When I woke up I went to the bathroom just to make sure that I wasn't actually bleeding.  Because here's the thing... I do not feel pregnant.  I do not feel different.  I am not nauseous, or exhausted, and my boobs haven't grown a cup size (like some app I downloaded said could happen).  I guess maybe they are a little fuller, but nothing extreme.  Nothing unlike around the time when I ovulate or get my period.  And I am typically an emotional person.  I watch a sappy movie or TV show and cry at the tiniest emotional moment.  I have had to hold back a few tears here and there over the past week, but nothing like my norm, and certainly nothing over the top.

So I went to the appointment today without my "everything is sunshine and rainbows" attitude because I just don't feel pregnant.  I always thought that I would just immediately KNOW.  That I would wake up the day after implantation (although in my mind, it was really the day after baby-making) and have to run to the bathroom.  If anything, I have a lack of appetite and am forcing myself to eat throughout the day.

So I'm in the room with the nurse and my husband and she's showing us the fetal pole and the yolk sack and taking measurements and pictures and it just doesn't seem real.  Why are people on TV always crying and I'm not???  So then she says, let's see if we can record the heart beat, and I think to myself, "Okay, NOW it's going to hit me."  Nope.  Don't get me wrong, it was amazing that something that doesn't even look like a baby yet has a heartbeat (flashback to anti-abortion billboards that say, "Your baby's heart beats for the first time at xx days"), but it just doesn't feel real.

Am I so jaded from all the months of TTC on our own with only BFNs that I can't revel in what should be complete and utter joy?  Am I detached from the months spent having Clomid mood swings and failed IUIs?  Or am I now past all the getting pregnant issues and worried about carrying this baby to term (my sister lost one of her identical twins at 29 weeks and then had an emergency c-section at 30 weeks)?

The baby's heartbeat was a little low today (107).  They like it to be over 110, but over 100 is considered okay.  Heart rates at this point in the 80s and 90s tend to be early predictors of neurological disorders.  It's not that low, so Midwife Mom says I shouldn't be concerned.  She wanted me to come back next week to check again, but I told her I go to the RE Monday for the first ultrasound there and asked if I could just let her know the heart rate then, which she said was fine.  Depending on what the RE sees, I may go for another ultrasound there before being dismissed to see my regular OB/GYN. 

BUSTED!  I cheated on my RE with my OB/GYN!!!  In my defense, my RE is out of town and Doctor Dad said they would fit me in today.

I'm still looking for flights to drop so we can go home and tell my parents in person in 3 weeks.  I hope that by then I will be excited. 

Seriously, what is wrong with me????? 

Doctor Dad Makes an Appearance

Well, at least his name made an appearance on my phone.  He finally got back to me!  I texted him Monday and even though he said he'd call me later, he never did!  I didn't want to be THAT girl and harass him with follow-up texts and luckily my 3 day wait paid off.  He called and I got to share the good news with him.  Since he was the one that did the HSG test, I'm going to go ahead and give him lots of credit for opening up the path that led to my BFP.  He gave me the run down on beginning pregnancy stuff (what not to eat, what to expect in the up coming weeks and why) and asked where I stand with appointments at the fertility doctor's office. 

I told him that I have my first OB ultrasound scheduled for August 19th, the first day of school.  He then looked at my timeline and since today marks 5 weeks from my last period, he says I can have an ultrasound next Thursday/Friday and not have to wait another weekend.  I explained that with the doctor's schedule and my needing a late afternoon appointment since we have teacher meetings all next week, that it had to be that Monday.  Well, of course, he said that they can get me in their office Thursday or Friday.  He will be out of town, but Midwife Mom will be there.  Within an hour (before my husband could even respond to my text about what afternoon worked better for him) the nurse from the office called to schedule my appointment.  Boy, do I feel like I'm a celebrity.  I don't even have to call in to schedule my own appointments--they call me!! So a week from today I will get the first pictures and hopefully see a strong heartbeat.

I'm dying to fly home to tell me parents, but flights have been so expensive that I've been putting it off and waiting for them to drop.  I have 2.5 days off of work right around week 9, and when you add the weekend to that it really is a nice long trip.  Both of my siblings live elsewhere, so we are mostly together for family events like weddings, birthdays, and/or vacations and I really haven't had any alone time with my parents since I got married 3 years ago.  I'm not looking forward to the expensive trip, but my husband is completely understanding and says it's totally worth it.  Plus, we get to tell his parents when we get back so I think he's really excited for that.  I've planned out ways to tell all the major people in our life except for his parents, so I've got to get to thinking on that.  I had an idea, but I could tell that Mr. Desperate wasn't so crazy about it.  He came up with a way, so maybe I will let him tell him.  They are his parents, after all!  All my ways involve gifts/physically presented objects, so I don't' want them to feel left out when he literally just tells them (even though it would be in a cute way). 

The coolest thing that I learned today was that they can now do blood work at 10 weeks (when they test for Down Syndrome among other things) to find out the gender.  I don't want to find out, but my husband does.  Since he had to deal with all my Clomid mood swings and my crazy obsessive pee sticks everywhere, I think I will let him have this one.  My current guess is that it's a boy.

And speaking of celebrities... my father-in-law called this afternoon and asked if I like Justin Timberlake.  So random.  And YES, OF COURSE!  Someone gave him 2 tickets to the Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z Concert next week.  I'm so excited!!  He also said that if we get there early we can meet them.  I'm not sure why he thinks that, because the picture of the tickets he sent me just appear to be normal tickets, but that would be awesome!!  My sister, who lives in Atlanta, is waiting for my husband to say he doesn't want to go.  She is all ready to buy a ticket and go with me!  Don't worry... he said she could buy a ticket and we'd sneak her in to meet them with us.  :)

Still on the Right Track

Today marks 4 weeks and 4 days and beta #3.  The technician that took my blood said congratulations and it seemed so foreign to me.  I wonder when this will all actually sink in....

Today's beta results.... 683.  Still increasing and although I was hoping it would be something like 4,000 today (just to be SURE it's really true) I can handle the 683.  :)

Doctor Dad emailed me over a week ago and when I responded, I never heard back from him.  Hmmm... Maybe it was the zillion questions I asked him?  Maybe he's out of town?  In this day and age, waiting a week, make that 10 days for an email response is eternity.  So, since I have his cell phone number so I decided to text him earlier this evening.  He's out of town for work and said he'd call later.  I've been postponing taking a shower waiting for him to call, but I think I'm officially about to give up!

In all the craziness last week, I forgot to share that one of my other friends is pregnant.  I had my suspicions about a month ago.  She does know what's going on, so I think she tried to be as delicate with me as possible.  I'm extremely happy for her, but I also think she's a little nuts because she has a 14 month old!  Little did she know that I had gotten my own very good news just hours before she shared hers.  I can't wait until the day that I can call and say, "Remember when you called to tell me you were pregnant?  Yeah, well I was about 12 seconds pregnant!"  She's due 2 weeks after my other friend, which I am sure they are both really excited about.

I go for my first OB Ultrasound in two weeks, which also happens to be the first day of school.  Good thing the doctor's office is close to my school and that I was able to pressure them into giving me a 4 PM appointment.  I hope I don't fall asleep in the waiting room, since I know I will be completely exhausted!  Just thinking about the first day of school makes me want to take a nap! 

In the meantime I will be taking my time setting up my classroom, digging up my summer reading that I completely forgot about, and continuing to take all my medication.  Apparently you can't stop taking anything until the first ultrasound, and maybe not even for the first trimester.  I'd really love to cut out some of my pill popping action!  Of course, Mr. Desperate has already long forgotten all his vitamins.  Must be nice.... :)

So far, so good

I went in this morning for my second beta and my results are now 134.  This is almost quadruple my number two days ago (35) so I am hoping that means this is really real.  Besides the fact that the nurse told me it was supposed to double, I know nothing about what beta numbers mean.  I go again for beta #3 on Saturday.

Since I spent Tuesday shopping, when Mr. Desperate came home from work, he saw a gift bag on the table.  He looked at it, at the stack of cards next to it (anniversary cards from family), and then back at me.  I was working on dinner, so I sort of had my back to him.  I told him since I had done so much damage shopping that I bought him a little present to make it less painful.  He asked if it was an anniversary present, and I said something like, "I guess if you want to think of it that way, you can.  But you don't have to wait to open it," which is SO not like me.  I refuse to open cards or presents until the actual special day.

So, he reached in the bag and pulled out this heart shaped piece of paper and says, "What's this?" before he even reads it.  Then, he immediately followed that question with, "Are you serious?" and put his hand into the bag and pulled out what was inside:

     

                                        
Of course, then he wanted to know how I was so sure and I had to confess that I neglected to tell him that I took the digital ept test that morning and when it said positive, I called the doctor and moved my appointment up.  I told him I thought about surprising him at work with the gift, or bringing it to him at his 5:30 meeting, but he agreed that he wouldn't have been able to finish his day if I had told him any of it.  Good thing he wasn't mad about me lying!!