Feeling Guilty

Back-to-back IUI #1 was easier than I expected.  As the nurse was finishing on day 2, she announced that since Mr. Desperate's sperm count was still so high that we could have sex that night.  I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing I was thinking about at that moment was sex.  I could tell by the look on Mr. Desperate's face that his thoughts weren't so far off from mine.  However, late last night, he clearly changed his mind.  Nothing like having the Heat win in the last seconds of overtime to help his testosterone kick in!  I'll spare you the details, but afterwards he announced that that was the best it's been since we started trying.  I immediately wanted to cry, because I was so hurt, and then I realized that for the past year he hasn't been able to get past the pressure. I felt awful.  Clearly, the majority of our issues have been because of my body.  I've been the one that's been confused, frustrated, poked, and prodded.  Even though his levels require him to take some vitamins, I didn't think it was an issue for him.  Am I that oblivious?  I wanted to cry even more.

Am I crazy for feeling so guilty?

Nerves or Excitement??

Tomorrow morning will be my first IUI.  I have 2 follicles (20 and 21) and a third at 17.  I am not sure if I am nervous or excited, but I am definitely emotional, and I'm pretty sure it's way too soon for the trigger shot to be affecting my emotions!!  I'm worried it will hurt (they assured me it's just uncomfortable) and that I will have a panic attack mid-procedure (this typically happens when they keep me waiting in the exam room for a considerable amount of time).

I am so hopeful that this will be what we need to get a BFP, but so scared that it won't work. 

It's hard to keep being so positive when, at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up too high.

The good news is that my parents are coming in town Thursday, my siblings come in town Friday, and we leave for an 8 day cruise Saturday.  The day we get back will be beta test day, so at least the 2WW won't go by as slowly as it has in the past!

Happy Face FAIL

I decided yesterday to start OPK testing, even though it was only CD8.  Big surprise, it was negative. 

This morning, I took an OPK test and thought it was broken because as I glanced at the test, I didn't see the empty circle that I have gotten so used to seeing (sigh).  At second glance, I realized there was a happy face and could not contain my excitement.  I called the doctor, which I was planning on anyways since I have so many questions before we make a decision about IUI, and added an, "Oh, by the way, I also had a positive OPK test just now."  I tried to remain patient, but they took FOREVER to call back.  And by the way, forever is painfully longer when you are a teacher and have the summer off.  I actually went to a friend's house (the one that knows what's going on) to kill time and help her paint a spare bedroom.  While I was there I took another test and it was negative.  Boo.  An hour later the nurse called back and told me to come in for an ultrasound.  My friend excitedly volunteered to come with me, and off we went.  So, at least I had company when the nurse started the ultrasound and I realized immediately that the follicles were all too small. 

Damn OPK test. 

Damn excitement for a happy face that turned out to lead to nothing but happiness.

While I was there they drew blood for a progesterone level check, which I am sure my insurance will deem unnecessary.  Oh well.

I also learned that my "usual" nurse wasn't in today and that my doctor is on vacation.  I know I could have asked another nurse my list of 100 questions but I just wanted to talk to someone who knows me.  Or, at least, someone who I think knows me better.  "My" nurse will be in tomorrow and I hope she is prepared to be bombarded with questions!

I'm so worried about missing the surge that I hate this part more than the 2WW!!

Confused and Overwhelmed

Today I received a message from a nurse at my doctor's office.  After reviewing my husband's latest test results the doctor recommends IUI.  Without me realizing it, tears immediately welled in my eyes, and my "assistant" teacher (assistant is in quotes because she is completely my teaching partner, but she leaves 2 days a week at noon) asked me if everything was okay.

How do I answer that?

A thousand thoughts raced through my mind in the few seconds that passed since I listened to the message.  When the nurse first called me with test results Monday, everything sounded fine.  All his levels had increased, some tremendously.  And now it seems like all of a sudden we've been bombarded with making a major decision... within the next few days.

I know I need to call the doctor and ask questions.  The truth is, my brain cannot function enough to formulate questions.

I know that everyone is different, but can anyone offer me suggestions as to what to ask the doctor that will help me decide whether we do this or not (this is "only" my 2nd month taking Clomid).

Send in the... clowns???

My sister recommended that I google "stress + conception" which, for those of you who don't have a sister, means, "You talk too much," (although she swears I'm not annoying her).  Out of boredom, I was playing online and came across an article about how IVF is more successful when women were  entertained by a "medical clown" after implantation.  (Google "Patch Adams" or "Gesundheit! Institute" when you have spare time.)

While I do think that maintaining a low stress level is important, I also realize that if I weren't stressed concerned about my reproductive challenges, I wouldn't be going to a specialist and we would just be having TI, or what we decided was TI, with no rhyme or reason.

But the real concern here is that I hate clowns.  I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm terrified by them, but even when there's a clown on TV, I look away.  And it's not just clowns... it's anyone in a costume where you can't see their face (picture me at Disney World... the only one avoiding EVERY character that walks by!).

Here's the (somewhat old) article--
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/01/12/us-send-clowns-idUSTRE70B64P20110112

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

And I have officially begun Clomid attempt #2!  I was pretty certain that the first attempt's side effects weren't that bad, and they didn't kick in until the last day of the pills.  This time, not so much... the hot flashes have already arrived, more frequently than last time, although they are not as bad and do not last as long.   I'm also pretty sure my husband would say my mood swings are off the chart... and he seemed overly excited about going to work this morning.

The good news is that my doctor wants me to have an ultrasound on CD 11, and not wait until CD 14 if the OPKs are still negative.  I've heard and read so many different things about how and when to do OPKs.... first thing in the am, second pee of the day, afternoon, night, all of the above, and that you have to wait 4 hours after taking one to take another.  Any thoughts/opinions/advice for my upcoming OPKs (preferably medical advice, but anything that's worked will be greatly appreciated!)??

Cycle Day 1... I hope!

Am I the only one that panics when it comes to deciding what day is actually CD1???  I was pretty sure it was Monday, but then by Monday afternoon I was pretty sure it wasn't.  Same thing happened Tuesday.  So today I decided morning and afternoon that it was Cycle Day 1.  Just to be on the safe side I scheduled my next ultrasound for CD3 (nothing like spending your first day of summer vacation being poked and prodded by a nurse in a freezing cold exam room!).  I'm terrified I'm going to miss the chance to do another round of Clomid, but even more concerned about going in and getting assaulted when it's not necessary (and feeling like a moron for it!)!!